September 14th, 2004


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01:57 am - on unfinished untitled works...
so here is the story that I have been working on that I mentioned in my previous post. I'd love to have input from all the people who said they were interested and anyone else who has time and the inclination.

So if you feel like reading it, let me know what you think. Either line for line, or just as a whole. Or whatever. Thanx.

Current Mood: [mood icon] creative

(15 comments | Leave a comment)

 
on unfinished untitled works... - graffiti.maverick

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Comments:


[User Picture]From: mamarayne Date: September 13th, 2004 - 11:50 pm (Link)
All Right! But how did he know just exactly where the coffee mugs would be? And where the hell is Rick anyway? Serves his ass right for not being there.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: September 14th, 2004 - 10:34 am (Link)
Where Rick is is part of the story. Hopefully I will get to it sooner rather than later.

Did him knowing where the coffee mugs were really bother you? It was intended to show that he had a bit of familiarity with the house because he had hung out there before (as opposed to just being somr random guy she found passed out at the party). Is that not coming across?
[User Picture]From: mamarayne Date: September 14th, 2004 - 11:00 am (Link)
Neither thing bothered me. I was just jumping the gun (I know it's a work in progress). I kind of figured they were both "clues" and I was right!
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: September 18th, 2004 - 10:51 pm (Link)
Ok. Hmmm... looking over it again, the mug thing kinda feels like overkill. Wondering if I should cut it.
[User Picture]From: kissmary Date: September 14th, 2004 - 07:13 am (Link)
This definitely has the feel of a short story. What could happen with K, Jamie and Rick that would make it longer? Good attention to details, like Jamie's hair, her eyes. But how does he know what French roast coffee in particular smells like?

And Rick. Where is he? Was he at the party? Would Jamie really assume that K knew what happened between them, when she saw the terrible shape he was in after drinking so much?

I can really tell the difference between the thoughts of the drunk K and the still hungover-but-more-coherent K.

What's going to happen at work on Monday? How old are these people?


Those are just my initial thoughts and questions after one read. I'll go over it again later and see if there are any particulars you should look at. You are a good writer, as I've seen with Jack's Place. I don't want to give you comments on that until I've finished the whole thing. Maybe the things I had questions about or problems with are resolved in the rest of what you have written.

Keep writing, though. I like what I see.

~Mary
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: September 14th, 2004 - 10:43 am (Link)
I'm still not sure on length. I'm feeling like its a short novel, mostly based on the pacing that I have been using so far. But we'll see how much story I have to tell and how it all unfolds. I still haven't figured everything out yet.

Different coffees have different smells. I was under the impression that if one were a big enough coffee snob, one could tell the scents apart. Hmmm, is this too hard to buy? Is it distracting? Its intended to just hint at a little piece of his personality. The same kind of precision that he purposefully injects into describing Jamie's appearance. He notices that detail in everything. Or at least many things.

Yeah, I wanted K to sound different as a drunken asshole than he does as a sober asshole, but still to be basically the same person. So you definitely noticed the difference, but does it work? Is it too much? Not enough?

Work on Monday is coming up in the next chapter, I think.

What do you think about the characters so far? Who do you like and not like? Believe and not believe. Are you interested in their stories?

Thanx for the compliments. Depending on the questions you have in Jack's Place, some are probably answered and some I probably never even got around to. There are probably also come continuity conflicts still because I've been writing and revising it for so many years. Really looking forward to seeing what you think about that one.
[User Picture]From: jameel Date: September 14th, 2004 - 08:52 am (Link)
Remind me of this next week. I'll be home a lot.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: September 14th, 2004 - 10:44 am (Link)
Ok... of course I could easily be well beyond this one by then... or maybe not. You never know.
[User Picture]From: beststephi Date: September 14th, 2004 - 03:26 pm (Link)
With the exception of just a few lines (imagining confronting Rick), he seems very non-assholish post-drunk. I found the scene where he was consoling Jamie touching; he clearly has feelings for her, given how self-conscious and considerate he was with her. I liked that scene.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: September 18th, 2004 - 10:53 pm (Link)
thank you. The question is how well am I walking that line. Is he a total jerk? Is he a really nice guy? Is he somewhere in between. If he's too perfect and Jamie obviously belongs with him, then there's no real story, and Jamie just becomes stupid for being with the wrong boy. On the other hand, if he's a total ass, then Jamie is stupid for hanging around him at all. Trying to square him in the middle somewhere.
[User Picture]From: stuntviolist Date: September 19th, 2004 - 10:38 pm (Link)
I like it. It's a very good beginning and I want to see the story through.

I think it's pretty obvious that K really cares for Jaime. It makes me wonder why everyone is treating him like he's a jerk. I'm looking forward to having the background filled in.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: September 21st, 2004 - 06:48 am (Link)
Hmmm. Glad you like it.

So wait, K doesn't seem like a jerk to you? I mean, I realize there ins't a lot of background yet, but I did want to make it clear upfront that he isn't exactly the nicest guy. Is that not coming across for you?
[User Picture]From: stuntviolist Date: September 21st, 2004 - 08:26 am (Link)
Oh, I didn't think he was the nicest guy by any stretch of the imagination. I just didn't see him as being any more of a jerk than any of the other characters. It just seemed that his feelings for Jaime were genuine and the others thought otherwise. Making me believe that K had a bit of a "player" history, but it didn't seem to me that the others at the party were any less wreckless.
[User Picture]From: thwomp Date: September 20th, 2004 - 06:07 am (Link)
I like the details you use in your story.
The way K notices that Jamie has brown streaks he hadn't seen before in her hair, the way her voice is little. But I think that it's important to watch the overuse of descriptors. "Bright evil sunlight" can just be "evil sunlight". We know it's bright. It's the freakin' sun. But that's mostly in the beginning, the latter chapters don't have that problem.

I think your secondary characters are really alive, which is great. I love Dom. He's amusing and kind of a dick. Katie is really protective. I have a clear picture of what they're like. Well done.

The best thing you have going for you in this story is this mystery about the drunken situation. What exactly happened to Jamie and K that K doesn't remember? Was K a bit too rough? Is Jamie's boyfriend an abusive jealous dick? There's this great "what's REALLY going on" feel that can work out beautifully if what really went on is amusing.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: September 21st, 2004 - 06:53 am (Link)
point taken on the bright evil sunlight.

So the mystery (such that it is) aspect is working for you then? I'm a couple pages past what you read at this point, and I'm trying to carefully walk the line of intriguing and not annoying. Currently, I'm stepping away from "that night" for a bit to try and work in some other subplot. And I still need to work in a good way to really get Rick into the picture. I know where I want to take him, but I'm not sure how to get him there.

I'm glad you like Katie and Dom. I wasn't sure about Dom. I thought people might find him too thick. Katie I was pretty happy with though. She's kind of the opposite of Rick. I have a good handle on who she is, but not so much where I want to take her, yet.
 

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