February 10th, 2009


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02:14 am - on daisy dukes and badonkadonks...

Jessica Simpson through the years
(compliments of US magazine)
So in case you haven't heard, Jessica Simpson is fat now. I know a lot of people probably wouldn't consider her fat, but by presidential decree, she's fat.

So, this weekend I caught one of the tabloid shows, I think it was called something like Inside Extra Access Tonight or something like that, and they just made this huge deal of Obama calling Jessica fat. I think it's funny of course, because he really didn't, he was just stating what was on the cover of the magazine. But contrary to what some Obama apologists are saying he was making a joke at her expense.

And contrary to what Simpson apologists might say, she is fat. Is she humongous? No. And the tabloid show interviewed a string of other celebs who gave the whole schpiel about how beautiful women come in all shapes and sizes, blah blah blah. And they did the whole riff on the problem with Hollywood is that it make regular women think they have to look like a magazine cover and bravo for Jessica Simpson for breaking that trend and being comfortable.

Let me clue you in on something. Jessica Simpson isn't a regular woman. Regular women have jobs and IQs over 14. Jessica Simpson is famous for two reasons, and neither of them are her singing or acting ability. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say she can't sing. I actually think she's a surprisingly decent singer. But I'm not really a fan, per se. No one is. Singing brought her to the dance, yeah. But it's her tits that made her homecoming queen.

Jessica Simpson's job is to be superhot. That's what she does for a living. A normal woman can look great being a size 12 (what she reportedly is right now, which honestly is by no means obese or anything), but her job is to be a size 2, which is what she was not very long ago. And when you gain that kind of weight, especially when you started off that small, well, that's called getting fat.

And Jessica is not ok with it. Don't fool yourself. People who are ok with criticism don't launch into speeches on stage about how they have the love of their life and that person makes them feel beautiful and so does God and God is all that matters, etc., etc., etc. People who are ok with their weight don't suddenly bust out the the Daisy Dukes after 4 years, but cut a longer pair than they've ever worn before and take to baggy t-shirts. That's not feeling "ok with it."

Trust me, I'm fat right now. I mean, I'm skinnier than a lot of people I know who I wouldn't really consider fat, but I'm not comparing myself to them. I'm comparing myself to what I looked like when I was in shape and I don't look like that right now. So I need to lose weight to get back there. And until I do, I wear shirts in the wrestling ring. That's all I'm saying.

So yeah, while I commend all you Hollywood types for coming to Jessica's defense, (Carmen Electra, Ashlee Simpson, Kim Kardashian, and Heidi Klum), give me a fucking break. I don't see any of you going up five dress sizes in a year.

So in closing, yes... she's fat. The president says so. And whatever the president says goes. Jessica Simpson is fat. Blowjobs don't count as sexual relations. Mission Accomplished.

(65 comments | Leave a comment)

 
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Comments:


[User Picture]From: see_me_naked Date: February 10th, 2009 - 08:06 am (Link)
lol He didn't call her fat, and I don't think he's making a joke at her expense....I think he's jabbing the tabloids for even covering it. Who cares.

She does look overweight to me.....And I think that quick of a gain is unhealthy. I've heard though that she's now a size 6? Which is insane. I'm a size 8, and I'm skinny for a Brigid. Even if she's a size 12, I was a size 12 a year ago and I was never overweight.

You're right though....It is her job to look hott.

So let's address the real issue. What the fuck is she wearing lately. With all that weight she's gained? Show me some boobage!

[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 01:43 pm (Link)
He was definitely poking fun at her offense, but yes, also the tabloids, and even his own. The implication was "hey, I'm president of the United States of America, and Jessica Simpson's weight gain is more important than me." which is kind of a direct dig at himself, but ironic because he clearly believes that he's actually more important than she is.

And yeah, her outfit choice was also amazingly unflattering. What was she thinking? What I didn't mention is that Kim Kardashian also made a big deal about how great the outfit looked, which was really funny because she said it while wearing a designer dress and standing on red carpet at some media event.
[User Picture]From: meryddian Date: February 10th, 2009 - 03:56 pm (Link)
I was thinking she looked like size 4-6 before, and more like 10-12 now.

But then again, I really suck at guessing sizes. If the person looks healthy and happy, who cares?

That belt/momma-pants outfit though... omg wtf? Us lifelong plus gals know a belt can create the idea of a waist, but attempting to *cover up* a belly with a belt that's what, 8 inches wide? just say no...
From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 04:10 pm (Link)
From: (Anonymous) Date: February 10th, 2009 - 10:15 am (Link)

Call her fat to her face.

I recently had a conversation with a friend complaining about what fat is and isn't. She's a skinny little thing in her 40s whose never been anywhere close to fat and she was tossing the word around like skinny people do, not really realizing what it feels like to be called fat to your face. To have people laugh at you and call you names, my personal favorite from middle school was 'bubbo-buns'... that one really stuck around. I had to tell her that it stung to hear her use that word because I have vivid memories about it that really hurt.

Although you may be be comfortable on your relatively anonymous blog, dishing out judgments about what hot people's job are, you should realize how ignorant you come off. The most tellingly ignorant part of this post, Mav, is where you express shock that she's a 'surprisingly decent singer'. The implication being that anyone as hot as she used to be doesn't need to be any good at anything else to hold your interest. Maybe gaining weight is her strategy to get sex-object fixated people like you to listen to her voice instead of staring at her tits? God forbid.

Putting on a spare tire and feeling like you aren't the athlete you once were doesn't even come close to knowing what's it like growing up fat. When someone calls you that to your face it means its all that they see about you. Its not an adjective, its who you are, and nothing else matters about you. I don't presume to understand the black experience in America because I've lived in a community for the last year where I am racial minority. So until a dickhead comes up to your face and puts you down the way us real fatties have been you don't have a right to pretend like you know our shame. And unless you have the temerity and hatefulness to call Jessica 'fat' to her face stop snickering about her and tossing labels whose import you clearly don't understand.

p.s. Obama rules
[User Picture]From: denovich Date: February 10th, 2009 - 12:48 pm (Link)

Re: Call her fat to her face.

Yeah... Maverick you insensitive dick. You are watering down the meaning of the word fat. Save it for the people who really are fat.

(anonymous: I think that was the gist of your argument, right?)
From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 02:41 pm (Link)

Re: Call her fat to her face.

[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 02:00 pm (Link)

Re: Call her fat to her face.

Lots of stuff to respond to here:

First of all: you assume that I wouldn't say that to her face and I'm hiding behind some anonymous blog. Umm, clearly you don't know me at all. I'm all about taking credit for my opinions. I tend to be "a little" nicer when I say them in person than when I write them here, but I definitely will still share them. I've been writing very opinionated commentary on the internet for 17 years, and lending my opinions in comments to other people's posts, and I sign each and every one of them. I certainly don't comment anonymously, as you're doing here.

Second, no, I don't pretend to know what it's like to grow up fat, and no I never would pretend to, as you make a great comparison about not knowing what it's like to grow up black, but that wasn't the point. Jessica Simpson doesn't know what it's like to grow up fat either. I even said, that she's not really fat. Not for a regular person. But, unlike a regular person, Jessica Simpson has made a career out of the way she looks. Her father/manager announced to the world that we should worship her for her chest when she 18 years old. And she wasn't picked to play Daisy Duke because of how well she could sing. You don't get to flaunt your body in front of the world for 10 years and then suddenly put the cat back in the bag. If you want to gain weight, that's fine. But you can't do it and expect people to not comment on it.

No, I wasn't at all implying that skinny people couldn't sing. Not was I implying that fat people can't. Christina Augliera is far skinnier than Jessica EVER has been, and I think she has an amazing voice. While never being "obese" Mariah Carey has fluctuated in weight throughout her career, and she has the widest octave range of any person living on the planet today. Aretha Franklin is currently huge, and her voice is amazing. Weight has nothing to do with how you sound. My comment was more that some people seem to think she's a no talent carbon copy pop singer, and I disagree, she's actually got a surprisingly decent voice. BUT, that's not why she's famous. She's famous because she has a decent voice and tits that "look like she's hiding two midgets in there." (Again, quoting her father/manager).

Finally, I specifically stated that there's people far bigger than her that I wouldn't classify as fat. But we're not talking about them. We're talking about her. And to pretend that she hasn't gained weight is silly, and to pretend that it doesn't effect who she is, even more so. Being a pop star is about more than your ability to sing, and Jessica of Newlyweds fame was pretty clear to point that out. She can certainly change her mind now, if she wants, but she can't pretend that she has always felt that way, because she hasn't. And she can't pretend that it's not news to suddenly change your entire image, because it is.
From: lonelocust Date: February 10th, 2009 - 07:25 pm (Link)

Re: Call her fat to her face.

From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 11:43 pm (Link)

Re: Call her fat to her face.

From: thomas_sean Date: February 10th, 2009 - 09:08 pm (Link)

Re: Call her fat to her face.

From: chrismaverick Date: February 11th, 2009 - 12:34 am (Link)

Re: Call her fat to her face.

From: chrismaverick Date: February 11th, 2009 - 12:34 am (Link)

Re: Call her fat to her face.

[User Picture]From: sexyhockihoochi Date: February 10th, 2009 - 11:23 am (Link)
Personally, I think she looks better as a 12 than as a 2. Her in Dukes of Hazzard was too thin, and I think it made her face look sickly. Now probably an ideal size for her would be around an 8, but hey, I'm not at an 8 either :)

The "mom" jeans were definitely a bad choice, but she looks fine in the other outfit. You're right about one thing though, I definitely don't think she's going to take this criticism well at all...I'm betting she's back to a 2 within 6 months.
[User Picture]From: blk Date: February 10th, 2009 - 01:57 pm (Link)
Yeah, the biggest objection I have to her (going by what I see in those tiny four pictures up there) is that she chose a really horrendously unflattering cut of jeans to wear.

If she's really up 5 sizes, she looks -damn- good for it.

BTW, what the heck is that "size" measuring, anyways? My jeans range from 2 to 9, depending on the brand, and I bet dresses would be the same, if I ever wore any.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 02:46 pm (Link)
that I'll grant. She does still look good for how much weight she's supposedly gained. But yeah, women's sizes are ridiculous. I'll never forget taking someone shopping and having them be a size 6 in one store and a size 0 in another.
From: lonelocust Date: February 10th, 2009 - 07:32 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: February 11th, 2009 - 12:38 am (Link)
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 02:44 pm (Link)
Actually, I kind of agree. I personally think she specifically looks better being thinner than she is now, but yeah, I thought she was a little too thin as Daisy. She looks great at her "normal" performing weight.

And yes, the mom jeans were just a bad choice, despite the fact that the Access Hollywood brigade has been defending those too.

And yeah, despite what she's said in her rebuttals about being happy and beautiful the way she is now, you know she's going to be shrinking back now.
[User Picture]From: jacquez Date: February 10th, 2009 - 12:37 pm (Link)
There is no way on God's green earth that she's wearing a size 12, unless it's some extremely mutant clothing label.

I know this because *I* am a 12 (yes, still, even though I'm 5 months pregnant) and I have sisters who range from size 4 to size 14 and poor Jessica is "oh so fat" at...looks like maybe a 6 or an 8.
[User Picture]From: jacquez Date: February 10th, 2009 - 12:40 pm (Link)
P.S. It looks like she's one of those women who puts on weight all in her midsection, which makes her look fatter than she actually is.

I'm not disagreeing with you that her job is to be super-hot, because, well, yes.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 02:51 pm (Link)
Also in her ass. When I was downloading images to make the picture for this post, I also had a choice of her butt in the Daisy Duke outfit vs. what she looked like on stage in the mom jeans. I just chose to go another way. She's definitely put on a lot of weight there as well.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 02:49 pm (Link)
As I was saying with blk, women's clothing having mutant sizes is the norm these days, sadly. I have dresses in my model closet that are size 12 that wouldn't fit over ONE of your boobs, and yet, I could probably also find size 12 jeans that are too big for you. And especially when you're looking at Hollywood designer clothing, it's completely whacked out. Your general high couture designer considers Marilyn Monroe to have been a size 12 by today's standards. Crazyness...
[User Picture]From: jeremiahblatz Date: February 11th, 2009 - 02:26 am (Link)
Women's sizes are arbitrary, you label your clothes whatever size you want. And, each size tends to get bigger as time goes on, `cause women feel good about themselves when they fit into that size 8, and are thus more likely to buy it.

The exception are wedding dresses, which are standardized and are not subject to size inflation. Which causes some women a shock when they go to try on dresses.

Jessica Simpson looks like a trannie with a magnificent boob job.
From: chrismaverick Date: February 11th, 2009 - 02:35 am (Link)
[User Picture]From: jacquez Date: February 11th, 2009 - 02:40 am (Link)
Right -- they do vary a lot. But there's usually a center around which a certain size swirls, except for the mutant outliers (usually high-end stuff).
From: chrismaverick Date: February 11th, 2009 - 03:07 am (Link)
From: jacquez Date: February 11th, 2009 - 03:59 am (Link)
[User Picture]From: akiramich Date: February 10th, 2009 - 02:05 pm (Link)
Lets forget Jessica Simpson . Im interested in your thoughts about what happened with Rhianna and Chris Brown over the weekend. Is there anything in the world dumber that invoking the wrath of Hova?
[User Picture]From: jameel Date: February 10th, 2009 - 02:13 pm (Link)
I have a co-worker with a sister in Barbados, and that shit's all over the news there. If Chris Brown were to set foot on Barbados right now, they would kill the hell out of him.
From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 02:56 pm (Link)
From: akiramich Date: February 10th, 2009 - 03:34 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 03:36 pm (Link)
From: suicideking Date: February 10th, 2009 - 09:47 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: February 11th, 2009 - 12:46 am (Link)
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 02:55 pm (Link)
I think it's tragic. Tragedy + Time = Comedy. I thought about writing about that last night as well, but I felt that I couldn't do it "in character" without very insensitively commenting on how much I still wanted to fuck her, and it just seemed to inappropriate. See, contrary to popular belief, I do actually have a moral compass.

That said, for the record I think it's awful. By all accounts, Rihanna would be one of the biggest "gets" alive today. And for the guy who got her to do that is just beyond stupid. For a guy to beat any woman is stupid, but when you're an internationally famous superstar, beating on your internationally famous superstar girlfriend, in public, before the Grammys, which you're both supposed to perform at, you're just an idiot. Even Ike Turner had better sense than that.
From: sui66iy Date: February 10th, 2009 - 03:26 pm (Link)
From: jameel Date: February 10th, 2009 - 03:39 pm (Link)
From: sui66iy Date: February 10th, 2009 - 03:59 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 04:04 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 04:00 pm (Link)
From: jameel Date: February 10th, 2009 - 04:10 pm (Link)
From: lonelocust Date: February 10th, 2009 - 07:36 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: February 11th, 2009 - 01:29 am (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 03:58 pm (Link)
[User Picture]From: suicideking Date: February 10th, 2009 - 05:49 pm (Link)

To Quote Gladstone from Cracked.com...

My thougts, as best encapsulated by another blogger:

"No one is saying that chubby women are worthless. But everyone is saying that no one cares about worthless women who used to have good bodies. And don’t think this is confined to women. Do you think Keanu Reeves would still get work if he let himself go? Oh really? When’s the last time you saw Val Kilmer in a summer blockbuster? So the key here is don’t be useless. And set your sights higher than Jessica Simpson. Emulate women who have, you know, done something. And the great thing is, if you do that, you won’t have to worry about your dress size. And you won’t have to run to your MySpace page crying about the mean things blogging scum like me have said about you."
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 06:01 pm (Link)

Re: To Quote Gladstone from Cracked.com...

Exactly. I wouldn't even say she's untalented. She's actually a pretty good singer. Not an amazing one, but pretty good. But she's not good enough to have gotten where she is on her voice alone (as opposed to say Mariah Carey or Aretha Franklin, both of whom I think could have gotten there without being hot). I'm not even saying that being hot isn't a talent. I think it is. I don't think it's useless. What I'm saying is that being hot was her MAIN talent and now that's gone. Frankly, she's not even unattractive. Despite the poor choice outfit, I actually think she's still kinda pretty. But she's not currently hot enough that MTV would have given her a TV show or she would be cast in Duke's of Hazzard.
From: suicideking Date: February 10th, 2009 - 06:39 pm (Link)

Re: To Quote Gladstone from Cracked.com...

From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 06:52 pm (Link)

Re: To Quote Gladstone from Cracked.com...

From: suicideking Date: February 10th, 2009 - 08:11 pm (Link)

Re: To Quote Gladstone from Cracked.com...

From: chrismaverick Date: February 11th, 2009 - 12:45 am (Link)

Re: To Quote Gladstone from Cracked.com...

[User Picture]From: sonbanon Date: February 10th, 2009 - 06:07 pm (Link)
It's her job to look hot but she can only be hot as a size 2,4,6 or whatever really thin size she was when she played Daisy Duke?

Wow.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: February 10th, 2009 - 06:19 pm (Link)
can a person only look hot at size 2? No. There are lots of women of all sizes who are hot. Can Jessica Simpson? Well, I don't know. But she doesn't look that way right now. That's the issue.
From: sonbanon Date: February 10th, 2009 - 07:42 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: February 11th, 2009 - 01:27 am (Link)
From: nemesisn4sa Date: February 11th, 2009 - 12:03 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: February 11th, 2009 - 01:09 pm (Link)
[User Picture]From: blackwell Date: February 18th, 2009 - 08:16 pm (Link)
I think she looks pretty hot in all those photos. If her goal is to be hot, I would say, mission accomplished!
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: February 18th, 2009 - 09:03 pm (Link)
well, it depends on how you define hot. In real life people's tastes vary from person to person. One guy might like 5'4, 100 lbs. blondes and another guy likes 6'2 350 lbs. redheads. This is a good thing, because it means that everyone can find love/get laid if they look hard enough.

In real life, she could walk into any bar in America and get laid if that was her goal.

But I'd argue that Jessica's job is essentially "be as marketably hot to as wide an audience as possible." It's clear that she's better capable of doing that at size 2 than she is at a size 12. Otherwise, there'd be no issue and the magazines wouldn't have bothered to put her on the cover.

From: blackwell Date: February 18th, 2009 - 09:10 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: February 18th, 2009 - 09:21 pm (Link)
From: blackwell Date: February 18th, 2009 - 09:23 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: February 18th, 2009 - 09:40 pm (Link)
From: blackwell Date: February 18th, 2009 - 09:42 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: February 18th, 2009 - 09:47 pm (Link)
 

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