Ok, so people are turned on by different things. Like many men, I have a thing for sexy lingerie (hence the fabled Jammy Jams). Some people are into leather or bondage or have foot fetishes or cross-dressing. Maybe you like to wear diapers or play in excrement. Nobody is judging you, freakboy.
I’m not about to take issue with any uncommon fetishes. If at this very moment, you’re wearing a ball gag and soaking in a tub of liquid latex while your girlfriend is removing her catholic schoolgirl blouse so that she can put on her nipple clips before the two of you take turns tossing an albino midget’s salad with chocolate syrup, then by all means carry on. What the hell are you doing taking an Internet break anyway? No, what I actually want to talk about here is a common “fetish,” A fantasy supposedly shared by every man. What I’m talking about is twins. That’s right, twins. From Doublemint to Coors Light to Mary Kate and Ashley, being twins is supposed to mean you’re sexy. Young or old, black or white, straight or gay, jew or gentile. If you are a red blooded American male, then you are supposed to be into twins. If you aren’t into twins, you’re either, a woman, a communist or a Vulcan. The rest of us are all about the twin loving.
But does it make any sense?
I was talking with froggiesocks the other day and she commented that she thought the whole concept of a threesome with twins was kind of gross and why would anyone want to do that? Being that I am a red blooded American male, I of course was totally into the concept of having sex with twins and so I was confused by the very question. What do you mean why? They’re fucking twins for Jay-Z’s sake. TWINS!!! What more reason does one need? They’re like the same and stuff! Larissa then pointed out that it’s not just that they’re identical. They’re also sisters (or brothers, whichever floats your boat) and isn’t that kind of gross? It’s incest. How come it’s okay to want to fuck twins but gross if it was just non-twin sisters.
You know, in the 20 years or so, since the onset of puberty that question had never once entered my mind. Twins are sexy. That’s just how it is. You aren’t supposed to question it. When you’re ten years old, your voice changes, you grow hair on your balls and twins are sexy. We don’t question these things. They simply are. If you need some kind of logic behind it… well how about this: If the Felicia, the pretty girl in class, is suddenly sexy because she has grown, what I guess technically qualifies as breasts, then wouldn’t she be twice as sexy if there were two of her. Triplets would be three times as much, and so on. There you go, indisputable proof in the scientific method.
Of course the brilliant mathematical simplicity didn’t really occur to me at the time. See, I’m a boy. So as a boy I used boy logic. And boy logic goes like this: “Ummm, why exactly is it gross to want to fuck non-twin sisters?”
But I digress. I thought about what she said and dwelled on it for a while. Then beststephi and I discussed it a bit and I came to realize that it really seems that men are affected by twins but women aren’t. I mean, maybe they are, but I know I’ve met about a million guys over the course of my life who have explicitly mentioned a twin fantasy at one time or another and I can’t think of a single woman who has. I know several women who are all about threesomes (no, I won’t tell you their names here), but I can’t think of a single one who has ever said Jason and Jeremy London, dammmmmmnnnn I wouldn’t mind being in that sandwich! In fact, I had a hard time even coming up with famous male twins to use for my example. (The only other ones I could come up with were Nicholas Brendan and Kelly Donovan. But Donovan isn’t really famous. I don’t think that many people even know Nicholas Brendan has a twin brother. Hell, how many of you even know who Nicholas Brendan is. Or the London brothers for that matter).
So what’s the deal? Are women just innately more sensitive to incest than men are? Are they somehow more resilient to the subliminal mass post hypnotic suggestion that was implanted in our collective psyches starting with the Doublemint twins? Or is there something more than that? I think maybe women are just smarter than men. Not for all the reasons that we traditionally think women are smarter than men. I think women are smarter because subconsciously they realize the flawed logic in having sex with twins. That’s right, flawed logic. After twenty years of wanting to knock boots with twins, I’ve changed my mind.
Because it’s pointless.
That’s right, I said it. Having a threesome with twins is pointless. Why? Because best-case scenario, they’re exactly the same. The entire point in having a threesome is that you get to have sex with two different people at the same time. Maybe you get one girl with nice legs and another with nice tits. Or maybe its one guy with a good ass and the other has a big dick. Whatever. But the point is they’re different. But sex isn’t just physical, so the only other possibility is that one twin is better at it than the other. Well, if that’s the case, what the hell are you doing fucking around with the sucky twin? See, it’s pointless.
Of course, if the Olsens or the Klimaszewskis want to drop by and sex me up to test the theory, I guess I’m willing to take one for the team. Anything for science.