September 14th, 2004

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01:57 am - on unfinished untitled works...

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on unfinished untitled works... - graffiti.maverick — LiveJournal

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[User Picture]From: thwomp Date: September 20th, 2004 - 06:07 am (Link)
I like the details you use in your story.
The way K notices that Jamie has brown streaks he hadn't seen before in her hair, the way her voice is little. But I think that it's important to watch the overuse of descriptors. "Bright evil sunlight" can just be "evil sunlight". We know it's bright. It's the freakin' sun. But that's mostly in the beginning, the latter chapters don't have that problem.

I think your secondary characters are really alive, which is great. I love Dom. He's amusing and kind of a dick. Katie is really protective. I have a clear picture of what they're like. Well done.

The best thing you have going for you in this story is this mystery about the drunken situation. What exactly happened to Jamie and K that K doesn't remember? Was K a bit too rough? Is Jamie's boyfriend an abusive jealous dick? There's this great "what's REALLY going on" feel that can work out beautifully if what really went on is amusing.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: September 21st, 2004 - 06:53 am (Link)
point taken on the bright evil sunlight.

So the mystery (such that it is) aspect is working for you then? I'm a couple pages past what you read at this point, and I'm trying to carefully walk the line of intriguing and not annoying. Currently, I'm stepping away from "that night" for a bit to try and work in some other subplot. And I still need to work in a good way to really get Rick into the picture. I know where I want to take him, but I'm not sure how to get him there.

I'm glad you like Katie and Dom. I wasn't sure about Dom. I thought people might find him too thick. Katie I was pretty happy with though. She's kind of the opposite of Rick. I have a good handle on who she is, but not so much where I want to take her, yet.

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