Mav (chrismaverick) wrote,

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an open letter to the balding negro gentleman who works at McDonalds...

(note: this letter may at first glance to the caucassian seem somewhat harsh on african americans. please understand that it is not intended to be so, it is intended as helpful words of advice. or as my people say: don't hate the playa, hate the game)

Dear Sir,

I frequented your eating establishment today, and while your service was quite adequate, I could not help but notice your personal grooming. It appears that you are balding. In point of fact, you have a very large bald spot in the back of your head. It would also appear that with your remaining hair you have chosen to employ the hair style of high-top fade1 with S-curl2. Now first of all, I admit, I liked Cameo3 and Full Force4 as much as the next guy, but exactly who told you that you could work a flat-top S-curl in October of 2004? Furthermore, when you made this decision, did you not realize that you're fucking bald?!? Seriously, at some point when applying the conk5 at do-time, or when your barber was cutting you up6 you must have noticed that there was a large spot at the top of the back of your head where there was exactly NO hair. If for no other reason, one would presume that you felt the chemical burn from the conk. That should have been a signal that maybe something was wrong. Take heart, Playa'. You are a black man. We do not need combovers. We do not need to feel embarrassed as though someone might think us a skinhead. Cut it all off! Work it Samuel Jackson style. And please, for the love of Jay-Z7, please do not let this be a transitional step wherein you are trying to bring back the shag.8

Power to the People. Peace Out!

Footnotes for the pigmentally challenged:
[1] mid 80s to early 90s urban haircut popular in the negro community. It was typified by cutting the hair to form a flat level plane raised across the top of the head creating the illusion that the skull was in fact at the top. The fade referred to the sides of the hair being tapered and cut ever closer to the skin as it traversed down the sides of the head so it appeared to fade out.
[2] type of relaxer. A relaxer essentially being a perm utilized by negros. The S-curl creates a loose wet look in the hair, while not being as loose or wet as the Jerricurl.
[3] late 70s/early 80s funk group whose lead singer, Larry Blackman, was a high-top fade pioneer.
[4] mid to late 80s R&B/Pop group who utilized funk grooves and was fond of the S-curl hair style.
[5] slang for the chemical treatment that is used in a relaxer. Can be employed as a noun or verb.
[6] slang for having your hair trimmed by a barber
[7] HOVA, the God MC
[8] mid 80s urban haircut popular in the negro community. Combined an S-curled high-top fade with longer wisps of hair that traveled out from the top of the neck. Basically a mullet for black people.

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