September 22nd, 2006


on setting up an alibi...

Alexis Bledel
You're over 18, right?!?!
So beststephi and I have were watching Dateline NBC To Catch a Predator tonight. In the six specials they have produced so far, it has become one of my very favorite shows.

For those who haven't seen the show before, it works like this Perverted Justice, an online watchdog group goes into myspace and whatever other chat rooms there are that sexual predators use and they pose as teenagers and flirt with lonely fucked up men until the men decide they want to meet. Then they tell the men that their parents aren't going to be home and they give them an address. The men then show up at the house where a young looking 20+ year old actress is waiting and pretending to be the 14 year old girl they met on the internet. She invites them in and gives them tea and cookies then excuses herself to go and check on the laundry. At this point, Dateline correspondant, Chris Hansen (or as I like to refer to him, after the nickname he was given on the Bubba the Love Sponge Show, "Penny Loafer Jones") comes out and surprises the unsuspecting idiot and interviews him. The men then no doubt tell Hansen that they've never done this before, that despite the chat transcripts that he's holding and and the beer and condoms the men brought in their trucks (they always drive trucks) they just wanted to be friends with the young girl and talk. The poor lost soul then apologizes and Penny Loafer Jones assures him that he is free to leave at any time he wants. The man hangs his head in shame and walks out the door where he is immediately tackled to the gound at gunpoint by 4-6 members of the local constabulary.

Obviously the show is awesome, but it got me to thinking. You see, in the last couple episodes several of the men have stated that they in fact recognized Penny Loafer Jones immediately from the previous specials. Some have even warned the fake underaged girls in the chat rooms that they have to be careful because they don't want to end up on Dateline. Since I am totally paranoid (which is ok, cuz they really are out to get me) I'm fairly certain that at this point my little blog here has got to be on about 18billion government watchdog lists. After all, in the simple category of sexual deviance with minors I have praised R.Kelly for his honesty, admitted that if I were 14 I would have fucked both Debra LaFave and Pamela Rogers, called for more sex in the Miss Teen USA pageant, and counted the days til Hermoine Granger's ass was leagally tappable. (oh wait, in her native tongue, I guess that would be "when her arse was properly shaggable" whatever). Also, one not familiar with my chinese heritage might reasonably make the assumption by looking at me that I am a negro, so the Man is likely to want to keep me down.

And so, I have decided to take the advice of Dave Chappelle and establish my alibi ahead of time. It is now Friday, September 22, 2006. 11:51EST. Note the time!

I would just like to point out that I came up with this plan while talking to Steph and watching the show. I would really really like to meet Chris Hansen/Penny Loafer Jones. And so, its highly likely that I might at some point in the future go cruising the internet for undercover actors posing as young girls, cyberflirting with them, sending them pictures of my penis and promising to bring them beer, webcams and sexy lingerie, and making plans to teach them how to lick my <expletive deleted> and then be the first to <expletive deleted> them because I am so <expletive deleted>ing horny and I just can't help myself. I totally expect that I am not talking to a real 14 year old. And would in no way actually do anything to a real 14 year old if one actually showed up at the door. I just want to meet Penny Loafer Jones. Umm, yeah.... that's the ticket!

By the way, I make no such promises about my intentions towards the really young looking hottie 25-year-old actresses who might answer the door in little tanktops and short shorts, pretending to be 14 and offer me tea and cookies. I mean, they are actually legal and I'm only human.