So I’m watching the news and they run a story talking about how Congress is subpoenaing Mark Maguire, Jose Conseco, Sammy Sosa and other former and current baseball players to testify next week about steroids. Apparently Congress has decided that the steroid issues that are “plaguing” the MLB these days are a, and I quote here, “national health crisis.” Please, allow me to be the first one to come out and scream really loud “WHAT THE FUCK!?!” I’m sorry but this is so Jay-Zawful wrong on so many fucking levels.
Ok, just for a second let’s ignore any issues of morality of drug usage. Lets just look at scale. AIDS is a national health crisis. Cancer is a national health crisis. The fucking flu is a national health crisis. Let’s just assume for a moment that we can unilaterally agree that drugs are bad and that they constitute a health problem even on par with disease or lack of healthcare. Ok, then maybe I’d grant you that say marijuana or crack or even steroid use in general was a national health problem. But there are about 293,027,571 people in this country, and at most, steroid use in the MLB affects 732 of us. I’m sorry, .0002498% of the population just ain’t a national health crisis. And that’s if every single MLB player was using. Let’s say it’s one in ten. Then that means we’re worried about fewer people than the 90 that are killed by bolts of lightning in this country every year. Lets form a congressional committee to investigate God. Clearly he’s a national health crisis. (Notice how I used God, that one time and not Jay-Z? HOVA would not kill you with a bolt from the blue. He’d kill you with his vicious flow. That or he’d just bust a cap in yo’ ass.)
Ok, but back to the real issue, why the fuck do we even care what these 732 people are injecting into their bodies. You know why I watch baseball? To entertain me. That’s why I watch all sports. I like sitting back and drinking a beer and watching people run around for my amusement while I cheer them on like monkeys. It makes me feel like a better person. And you know what, if it means the Indians win the pennant then I don’t care if we fucking bathe them in gamma rays. Hell, where’s the congressional hearing on people selling their souls to the devil?
I’m pretty much on record with my feelings on victimless crime. I want drugs to be legal. I want prostitution to be legal. I want shooting yourself in the head to be legal. Not because I have some burning desire to shoot up, pay to get laid and then blow my fucking brains out. But more because I just don’t care if other people do. I mean, sure, someone dies. It sucks. But the way I see it, I’m a taxpayer. In fact, I just paid my taxes a few hours ago. And as such, I feel that I am the boss of congress. And since they work for me, they should be taking care of the things that are important to me. And since I am now CEO of the United States, I gotta say, I think that our firm’s new corporate vision should be maximizing profit. I don’t care about steroids in the MLB. What I want to know is how we can go and do a hostile takeover of a nation sitting on a gazillion gallons of oil and gasoline prices went up. How much is petrol? Two dollars a gallon? Fuck this machine! Congress is so fired.
Now I will say that I also don’t have a problem with the MLB banning steroids. If they want to police that themselves, then more power to them. The way I see it, its no different then having rules against a corked bat or a pitcher filing a ball. But congress doesn’t investigate those things because it's none of congress's damn concern.
Who decides what’s a performance enhancing drug anyway? How come steroids count and vitamins don’t? People like to say that steroids are illegal because they give one player an unfair advantage over the other. No they don’t. The other player is welcome to take performance-enhancing drugs too. How come we don’t complain that one player working out more than the other gives him an unfair advantage? I mean, I get it with NASCAR. NASCAR uses stock vehicles. They go out of their way to make sure it’s all just the driving skill. No one gets any advantage. But baseball, football, the marathon, curling, synchronized swimming. These are all sports where people train and control every aspect from the diets they ingest to the types of shoes they where all looking for the advantage over the competitor. Shave off that extra second, jump that extra inch, throw a little farther. That’s the entire point. They’re supposed to be able to do things better than the other guy. That’s why we watch!
They don’t do that in other jobs. I don’t get fined for using a better computer than the other programmers. An airline pilot doesn’t get arrested for getting LASIK. Models don’t have to testify before congress for getting boob jobs. Performance enhancement is usually a good thing. A lot of people will say “but drugs are dangerous.” “Something could go wrong.” Well fine, but it's a personal choice. You could bleed out in a boob job surgery. Bad LASIK and you could go blind. And uh, well, I guess my faster laptop could overheat and render me sterile. And isn’t that the same major risk that steroids are supposed to pose? So there's the lesson, kids. Don’t do steroids. Because if you do you might end up the MLB making millions but having to testify before congress. Instead, become a programmer, get a laptop and burn your dick off. The More You Know!