You know what it is that I like about R? It's the honesty. Pure and unapologetic. R. Kelly knows what he is and doesn't care. I think that's the appeal. The 14 year old girl is a sexual creature. But she isn't allowed to be. We expect it of the 14 year old boy, his hormones are out of control. Hopefully he'll release some of that aggression on the football field or something. But the 14 year old girl, well, hopefully going to church and maybe a good hobby will help her keep her legs closed. Perhaps some home economics? Maybe needlepoint? Oh, how about cooking? How could a young impressionable girl get in trouble baking cookies in her own kitchen. And that's where it happens. Sweet little Cindy Lou is over there minding her own business and stirring the a bowl of cookie dough, when here comes R. Kelly singing a song telling her exactly how he's gonna fuck her in that very kitchen. And there you go, she's having fantasies. By chance she meets R. one day, and BAM! She just can't help herself. It might not just happen. Maybe Cindy Lou is a good girl. She does try so hard to be good. But then R. hits her up with a little taste of the remix. Poor Cindy Lou doesn't stand a chance. Her hymen explodes right there, and she is overcome with her carnal urges. And R? He's only human. What's he to do? He's there watching a young girl's sudden blossoming into womanhood right there before him. Like watching the Quickening! We shouldn't condemn R. for the 20-some-odd underaged girls he's had sex with. We should congratulate him on the thousands he has successfully resisted.
But this new song, trapped in the closet. I'm liking this. It shows growth on R's part. Like all good artists, R. tells a story with his work. But for so long he'd been stuck on the same story. R. Kelly tells you there's nothing wrong with fucking a 14 year old girl.. Here is how you fuck a 14 year old girl in a car. Here is how you fuck a 14 year old girl in the kitchen. Here is how you fuck 14 year old girl in a hotel. Nobody has to know you're fucking a 14 year old girl. But not this time. This song isn't about fucking. This song is about the morning after you fucked some girl who's name you don't remember. R. has grown as an artist. Furthermore, carefully listening to the lyrics, you'll find that R. has grown as a human being. This girl isn't fourteen. No no no, R. explicitly points out that not only is this girl legal, she's actually married. The message of the song? Ain't nothin wrong with a little bump 'n grind with some girl you don't know, just try not to fall asleep and stay over, and if you do, make sure you have your gun just in case you have to hide in the closet when her husband comes home and he finds you there. How awesome is that? Sleep with underaged girls, have an affair with a married woman, cheat on your wife. Write songs about it!
I can't believe this idiot gets any pussy at all.
And yet he does. Why? Because there's nothing on this earth so sexy as a dumbass celebrity. Paris Hilton has taught us that you don't need talent, all you need is the a penchant for being slutty and a history of making very poor judgement calls. Maybe that's what kept me from being famous. I was plenty slutty, I had no remarkable talents, but I was just too damn smart. Damn I have the worst luck. Seriously though, a new question in my on-going investigation on what makes someone attractive. We've talked about the appeal of the bad boy, and the pretty boy. We've talked about hot vs. cute. This time I am wondering about the appeal of stupid. I think probably most of my readers are likely to say that stupidity is a turn off. But really, think about it? Is there anything appealing about a dumb girl or guy? While writing this, I saw a commercial for TrimSpa, with Anna Nicole Smith, I actually had the briefest fleeting "damn, I'd do her" thought before being repulsed by the simpleton personality she exhibits when she speaks. So yeah, she may not be my type, but Anna is popular. She is a sex symbol. As are Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, and Fabio. So is there something hot about being dumb? Or can you just be so hot that its easy to overlook dumb?
Or is it just ok to want to have sex with 14 year old girls and then pee on them?