Anna Nicole Smith
I hate to say it, but "I'd hit it!"
No shit. I'm serious. The Supreme Court of the fucking United States of America has agreed to hear the Anna Nicole case. 1900 appeals currently in the queue for the Supreme Court and they have elected to hear the Anna Nicole case. Normally I'd be outraged at the waste of government, but see in this case I actually kinda have to agree. You see the Supreme Court NEEDS to step in here and right a serious wrong.
For those not familiar with the case, let me briefly synopsize. This dude named J. Howard Marshall II works his ass off his entire life to amass a 1.4 billion dollar oil fortune. Then, in 1994, at 89-years-old, wheel chair ridden and near death, he decides, "Fuck it, I'm a billionaire, I might as well enjoy it." So he decides to marry the Playmate of the Year. He has a good year of crazy sex with the PMOY (who is 63 years younger than him) and finally succumbs and dies. Apparently he dies a happy man. You know, cuz really, he was almost 90 and fucking a Playmate.
So the courts initially decide to split the 1.4 billion between the PMOY, Anna Nicole Smith, and the guy's 2 kids. Sounds fair to me. Well, the guy's son, E. Pierce Marshall, then decides to sue Anna Nicole, saying she doesn't deserve any of his father's money because she's a gold digger (Big Ups to Kanye). And so he convinced the court to strip her of her original $474million award and award the entire $1.4billion to him (I don't quite get what his rationale for excluding his sister was).
What the fuck?!?!
Ok, I get that she married him for the cash. Don't you think J. Howard knew that? The man was 89 years old. He knew he didn't have long for the world. He made the decision that he wanted to use whatever time he had left with a PMOY trophy wife on his arm. He decided it was worth it. Who the fuck is his son to say that his father was wrong for that now? It's 1.4 billion dollars. She wants $474million of it. That leaves him with almost a BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS! Get over it.
See, the thing with me, is I feel that if you're a 26 year old playmate who just spent the last year fucking a dying 89-year-old man, you DESERVE a bit of a payoff. Whether you love him or not, is irrelevant. Anna was the hottest commodity in the world at the time. She could have been with anyone. She agreed to be with this guy. GIVE HER THE GODDAMN MONEY!
Let me just go on record right now. When I'm 90-years-old, should I have the means to fuck a 26-year-old Playmate of the Year, I shall be utilizing it. If she's goodly enough to agree to it, and stick around filling my final remaining days with grade-A poontang, then she can have whatever of mine she wants after I'm gone. If one of my good for nothing kids tries to fuck that arrangement up, then someone please beat the hell out of them for me. If it comes to it, my trophy wife has my consent to pay someone $1million to ... *ahem*... take care of the problem.
So that's my question, for you Mr. Roberts. I don't care where you stand on abortion or gay marriage or stem cell research. I don't care about your past decisions in the courts. I don't care where you fall on the traditional left-wing to right-wing continuum. What I want to know, sir, is do you support the rights of the elderly to get laid by famous gorgeous women young enough to be their great grand daughters? I need to know this, sir. We the people deserve to know where you stand.
HOVA Bless America.