Mav (chrismaverick) wrote,

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on being famous for nothing...

Ashlee Simpson
Ashlee Simpson
Not for nothing, but that's a tight look,
I ain't mad at that

So it's been a while since I talked about the folly of celebrity. I hadn't really had anything to say. But I'm sitting here watching the season premiere to Saturday Night Live in the vain hope that Kanye West says something controversial. So far no luck, but there was something that struck me as interesting. They announced next weeks host and musical act. And the musical guest is none other than Ashlee Simpson. Excuse me while I pick my bottom lip up off the floor.

Well, if nothing else, they have guaranteed that I'll watch the show for another week, that's for sure. If only to see if they actually crucify her live on stage for the events of last season.

But I want to forget about this for a moment and I want to explore something that gets to me everytime I have ever thought about Ashlee. That is to say, exactly why the fuck is she famous? I mean, I get that she's a singer. Its no secret that I am actually way more of a pop music fan than one would expect of a 30-something asiatic black man. I'm also on record for often pointing out that singing and songwriting are not the only important aspects of being a successful pop singer. Or even the most important part. But really, Ashlee doesn't have ANY of those things. Even when she's allowed to lipsync, her voice just isn't that good. Her songs aren't really interesting. She can't dance. She's not even cute. Despite the fact that I like the outfit that her stylist chose for her in that picture up there, I usually don't care even care for her clothes. (for $200 and 3-4 hours in the mall with any girl on my friend's list and I guarantee you I can make you hotter than that). What it comes down to is that Ashlee Simpson is famous for one reason and one reason only. Because her sister has a nice rack.

I have no problem with B-List celebrity. Say what you will about Jessica for instance. She may be dumb as a post, but those are Grade A tits. You can't take that away from her. Its something. Paris Hilton, I don't personally find her attractive, but as suicideking pointed out to me, she's rich and she likes to give head. She'll let you film the sex. And hey, if you're lucky, she might even send nekkid lesbian pics of her to you on your cell phone. That pretty much makes her a catch. Fine. Tonya Harding, John Wayne Bobbit, Baby Jessica that fell down the well. You guys earned it. Even the cast of people on the Surreal Life. So long as you were culturally relevant for one minute, I have no problem with you coasting through the next 14.

But Ashlee? She was never relevant. She has no talent, she's not pretty, she's not a snappy dresser, she has a big nose and her boobs suck. She's Kato Fucking Kaelin. She did absolutely nothing to get famous. There's nothing notable about her whatsoever other than the fact that everyone wants to bang her sister. She didn't have a famous minute and coast through the next 14. She stole 13 min from her sister's boobs and then on the 14th minute made a major blunder on nationwide television and rather than being chased into a hole and never heard from again, they've invited her back a year later to do it again. What the hell?!?

I wish my sister had perfect boobs so I could be famous and get paid to make an ass out of myself.

Instead I just do it for free.

As an aside, Satuday Night Live is now over. In Pittsburgh, Its followed by DateNight TV, a local call in dating show. Has anyone ever bothered to watch this show? I've seen it a few times. As far as I can tell there were only about 5 episodes ever made and they were filmed like 6 or 7 years ago. The number at the bottom of the screen is blocked out so you can't call in. Are any of these people even still single? Some of them are probably dead. What's the point of a call-in show that you can't call in to anymore. Its a waste of air time. Couldn't they make tens if not twenties of dollars instead by showing an infomercial or something?

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