March 10th, 2006

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12:34 am - on sharing sex secrets with sires...

Lovers III
As good an image for sex as any.
So when I was talking with the always delightful (even when she is all but dying from the plague)sexyhockihoochi earlier today we came upon the question of what do her parents know about her sex life. Her answer, pretty much they don't know anything. She claimed that she could have 3 kids and her dad would remain in denial. This got me to thinking. How close are people to their parents?

I'm going to let the cat out the bag here and admit that I am not a virgin. Haven't been for a long time. In fact I was totally sniffing cocaine off the thighs of hookers while a dwarf hung from a swing on the ceiling filming it all the way back when I was seven. And while I realize some of you might not have been quite as cool as I was as a seven year old, its kind of my suspicion that most of you would have kept your early sexual exploits secret from their parents. But does that continue today? When did you stop? Did you stop? Why or why not? Do you feel like you have a close enough relationship to your parents that you can talk about sex? In what level of detail? "Hey mom, I'm not a virgin anymore?" or "Hey mom, I met this couple at the club the other night, they took me home, chained me up and both tossed my salad. It was great, I wish I'd gotten their names so we could do it again." or somewhere in between? Do your parents share details of their sex lives with you? Are you more embarrased around them or your friends? What about your SOs parents?

Some of you have kids, but part of me even wonders about that. Do you think your parents assume that your kids are emmaculate or do they assume you had sex once for each kid and that was it? Or do they have more realistic beliefs? If your parents know about your sex life do they approve? If someone has parents that think they're the prude, I'd totally like to hear about that.

For me, its pretty simple. My dad pretty much knows no details about my sex life one way or the other. Not that I particularly hide it from him, but we just don't actually have the kind of relationship where we'd even discuss my favorite color, much less bedroom behavior. I have to assume he probably believes me to not be a virgin. My mom on the other hand knows more. Not too many details, but I wouldn't hide them from her if she asked. She just doesn't really want to know the details, i don't think. not because I'm her son. I imagine its more because she doesn't care to know anyone's life. But its certainly not something I'd go out of my way to hide from her. But then mamaryane is pretty cool like that. Besides, when you're trying to fit 2 crack whores and a midget into a bunk bed, parents kind of notice that sort of thing.

As a side note: Amazingly I didn't actually have a good worksafe image in my Flickr library to use for "sex." And so I'm using this generic one from But it did give me some ideas. So if a couple people are interested in being models for photographs that would involve you laying in bed and making out while I took pictures (for several hours) let me know. And of course if anyone else wants to do a solo photoshoot let me know, too.

EDIT: At the suggestion of ludimagist, I'd also love to know how people feel about discussing their sex life with their siblings.

(53 comments | Leave a comment)

on sharing sex secrets with sires... - graffiti.maverick — LiveJournal

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From: ludimagist Date: March 10th, 2006 - 06:00 am (Link)
This made me think more along the lines of those kids of talks with siblings.

I can and do talk pretty openly with my older sister, but there has been hardly any discussion at all with my little sister.

The problem with your photoshoots is that they have to take place in Western Pennsylvania.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: March 10th, 2006 - 01:29 pm (Link)
That's interesting. I think I'll modify the post to also ask how people relate to their siblings on sexual topics.

I don't consider the photoshoots in Western, PA to be a problem. You guys need to come visit more anyway. (Sure, I should also come visit you guys, but I'm a hypocrit)
[User Picture]From: sexyhockihoochi Date: March 10th, 2006 - 06:17 am (Link)
Eh my mom knows about my sex life. My dad, on the other hand, will always be in denial...always. There's just something about our culture that says a father should never "allow" his daughter(s) to engage in sexual activity of any kind. My dad can make jokes openly about my younger brother's sex life (hypocritically).
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: March 10th, 2006 - 01:55 pm (Link)
hehehe.... well, to be fair, you don't talk to him about your sex life either, but apparently you'll talk to your mom. Right? So I don't know that its really hypocritical, is it? Just who you're more comfortable with. I mean, you're going home later today, right? Try walking up to your dad and saying "dad, I want to ask you a serious question. Can we talk?" He'll say something like "Yes, Princess, of course. You can talk to me about anything." And then just ask him something about sex. It doesn't have to be crazy or graphic "Hey, daddy. One of the 4 guys I've been fucking wants to try anal, but I usually make a guy wait a 4 dates. What do you think?" it could be something really simple, but that undoubtbly concerns sex "Ben has been acting bored with sex. What can I do to spice it up?" or even "do you think its important to be sexually monogamous at my age, or is it ok to play the field?" I'd be curious to his reaction. And really it might surprise you. *shrug*

I honestly believe that one of the reasons that my mom (mamarayne) and I get along so well is that I basically decided that I was an adult when I was like 12, and have behaved like I was ever since. It actually created problems when I actually was a kid, but I think the fact that I don't allow her to treat me like a kid really helps my relationship with her as an adult. I imagine she'll probably see this comment and weigh in herself, so stay tuned. On the other hand, I know a lot of people in their 30s and beyond who basically let their parents treat them like children or teenagers, and so they continue to do so. beststephi is going to assume that I'm talking about her, but I didn't mean her exclusively. That said, just as an example, we've been living together for like 7 years now, and I seriously imagine that her parents probably prefer to believe that we've never had sex. Honestly, I think they probably prefer to believe that her brother (married, with 2 kids) has had sex exactly twice. Eh... maybe they'd front him a third time for the honeymoon, but that's it. Maybe not. But this is the kinda thing I am wondering about.
From: sexyhockihoochi Date: March 10th, 2006 - 04:28 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: March 10th, 2006 - 06:31 pm (Link)
From: sexyhockihoochi Date: March 14th, 2006 - 04:36 am (Link)
From: mamarayne Date: March 11th, 2006 - 01:44 am (Link)

WHAT!!! You're having SEX?!!!

From: chrismaverick Date: March 12th, 2006 - 04:43 pm (Link)

Re: WHAT!!! You're having SEX?!!!

[User Picture]From: tobalita Date: March 10th, 2006 - 02:52 pm (Link)
My folks and I never discuss sex, but I think their comfort level with my sex life changed dramatically after I got married.

As evidence, when Matt and I would visit their home before we got married, we were not allowed to sleep in the same room, even though we were already living together. However, after we got married, they not only welcomed us to sleep in the same room, but they asked my sister to give up her room for us so we could share the larger, more comfortable bed.

So, not that we'd actually *have* sex in my sister's bed, but I felt like my folks acknowledged that we were now an official couple who would be spending all our nights together from now on.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: March 10th, 2006 - 03:38 pm (Link)
I've always found that silly. Like a thing out of a sitcom, or the movie Meet the Parents. "Not under my roof!" But when you really think about the ramifications and the true logic behind it they're basically saying "We realize our daughter is a horrid shameful sinner, and will no doubt burn in hell, but she's certainly not gonna bring the wrath of god down on us by doing it in our house."

Of course, I'm also of the opinion that telling your teenager living at home that they can't have sex is also a stupid idea. Because they're just going to sneak out and do it anyway. Probably much better for them to be doing it at home than in the back of a crappy '87 Escort parked in the woods somewhere.

And if I was your sister, I'd be pissed! :-)
From: tobalita Date: March 10th, 2006 - 04:20 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: March 10th, 2006 - 06:46 pm (Link)
From: bryguypgh Date: March 10th, 2006 - 07:27 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: March 10th, 2006 - 10:14 pm (Link)
From: bryguypgh Date: March 10th, 2006 - 10:32 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: March 12th, 2006 - 04:46 pm (Link)
From: bryguypgh Date: March 12th, 2006 - 05:21 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: March 13th, 2006 - 05:06 am (Link)
From: mamarayne Date: March 11th, 2006 - 01:53 am (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: March 13th, 2006 - 05:11 am (Link)
From: tobalita Date: March 10th, 2006 - 07:36 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: March 10th, 2006 - 10:17 pm (Link)
[User Picture]From: jameel Date: March 10th, 2006 - 03:09 pm (Link)
I'm pretty sure my mother doesn't want to know details about anyone's sex lives, family or not.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: March 10th, 2006 - 03:40 pm (Link)
yeah, that's different. That's not being interested in talking about sex because of its private/personal nature. As opposed to not acknowledging you as a sexual being. Even though I obviously don't have any such hang-ups, I totally understand it.
[User Picture]From: yannaboo Date: March 10th, 2006 - 03:42 pm (Link)
So both of my parents know. My father is more interested in such things. He guessed upon seeing mee ~3 months after I lost my virginity, and just right out asked. And then asked if I had multiple orgasms. Cause he's my father and he's like that. He'll talk about sex in front of groups of people I hardly even know in our kitchen. He's awesome like that.

My mother had to take me out to dinner and hem and haw until I couldn't take it anymore, told her what she was trying to ask me over penne and told her the answer. She just wanted to warn me of how such things change relationships, etc. etc.

My father's the one who calls to tell me he's worried about me every time I vist Pittsburgh. In fact, I'm expecting a phone call any minute now...BTW that means I'm here :-) I saw Steph crossing Forbes ave yesterday afternoon. I'm here for a while in case anything awesome is happening :-D
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: March 10th, 2006 - 04:04 pm (Link)
see, your dad is awesome. That makes much more sense to me. I hope I have that kind of relationship with my kids some day. "Oh wow, and that works? wow. How do I do that? Do I need to stretch first?"

Your mom, while not awesome, is at least reasonable,

You should totally go to steph's office and just wait for her. She might be in there now, for all I know.
[User Picture]From: yannaboo Date: March 10th, 2006 - 03:43 pm (Link)
Oh, and as to siblings, we just imply. One of my brothers has a kid, and when they were trying I know his theory was to just have sex all day, and they'd get a kid eventually. The other brother is 30 and dates 18 yr olds, so I'm more frightened if anything. We just make sure they're 18.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: March 10th, 2006 - 04:05 pm (Link)
heh... why is that frightening? Legal consenting adults, and all, and so long as they're both happy, right?
From: yannaboo Date: March 10th, 2006 - 05:44 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: March 10th, 2006 - 06:17 pm (Link)
[User Picture]From: jacquez Date: March 10th, 2006 - 04:50 pm (Link)
Hm. My mom's always been really realistic about stuff. I told her when I was sleeping at your old place, back when we were dating, for example. (God. That was 11 years ago now!) I mean, I didn't give her details, but she needed to know where to find me. I've never given her details, but she clearly assumes that I have an active sex life with my husband, and is fine with it.

My dad is another story. He apparently has said something unrepeatably filthy about my brother J's sex life (even my most filthy-mouthed sibling refused to repeat it, so it must've been horrid). He's nuts, and unpleasant, and I wouldn't tell him any details about my life at all if I could avoid it, let alone give him any sex-related ammunition which he would then break out at a holiday dinner in front of everyone.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: March 10th, 2006 - 10:20 pm (Link)
hmmm... so in your case the hiding(well avoidance of the topic) is more from fear of having to do with annoyances that might result from your dad's personality rather than standard shame/fear of being caught by your parents?
From: jacquez Date: March 11th, 2006 - 04:30 am (Link)
From: lacechenault Date: March 11th, 2006 - 11:24 am (Link)
From: jacquez Date: March 12th, 2006 - 03:42 am (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: March 12th, 2006 - 04:50 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: March 12th, 2006 - 04:48 pm (Link)
From: jacquez Date: March 12th, 2006 - 05:11 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: March 13th, 2006 - 05:12 am (Link)
[User Picture]From: blk Date: March 10th, 2006 - 06:40 pm (Link)
My parents and I don't really discuss sex. I assume they have it (but have no idea, as they aren't really affectionate), and I assume they assume I have it (I made no bones about the fact that I spend nights with boyfriends). The few times I've visited with a boyfriend (not husband), my mom offered us the option to sleep in the same room. I think my mom tries to be a "friend" to me and would like to be open to whatever i bring up, but she's not really going to bring it up herself (and so usually I do'nt either).

Last summer, when I visited Tampa to work at FetishCon, I ended up telling them why I was in town, and brought a program booklet as a souvenier when I went to visit them afterwards. It was very odd, but kind of amusing, seeing my ultra calm and quiet dad slowly flip through a book full of advertisements from fetish models and websites and wares.

My sister, on the other hand, I'm comfortable sharing almost anything with, even the personal kinky stuff. She isn't into as much weird stuff as me, but we are happy talking to each other and giving support and stuff.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: March 10th, 2006 - 10:22 pm (Link)
I'm not sure I understand from the way you put it. Were they more or less accepting of Mark?

So did they actually ask questions after flipping through the book or did they just kinda go "ummm, yes, that is interesting, let us never speak of this again."
From: blk Date: March 11th, 2006 - 03:17 am (Link)
From: (Anonymous) Date: March 10th, 2006 - 06:59 pm (Link)
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: March 10th, 2006 - 10:24 pm (Link)
interesting... so its not that you specifically keep sexual details from your parents as much as you don't talk about them so much with anyone?

Converesly, can you talk to your parents about personal, but non sexual stuff?
From: shookerdo Date: March 11th, 2006 - 12:47 am (Link)
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: March 12th, 2006 - 04:53 pm (Link)
ah yes... and actual teenager. Perfect! So the question is: And why would you have a probaly with them wanting to talk about it.
From: shookerdo Date: March 12th, 2006 - 05:14 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: March 13th, 2006 - 05:04 am (Link)
[User Picture]From: lacechenault Date: March 11th, 2006 - 11:22 am (Link)
I always figured my parents just knew when I started having sex, I was a wild child, and my parents were hippies. Actually....about siblings. My sister and I used to snoop through my parents room when I was younger - So, I had seen a dildo, porn, and other stuff like that before I was ten. My parents were - supa-freaks, but they didn't know that I knew that.

My Dad and I talk about just about everything. We don't go into details or anything - but I was having sex with my high school sweetheart under his roof at the age of 16 (he lived with us) he took me for my first "annual" (pap) when I was 14 to get birth control..

...and my Mom, well when I'm with my other sibling we will talk about our sex lives to mom just to make her blush and say "silly girls" cause it's funny. So yeah...I guess our family is pretty open about sex.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: March 12th, 2006 - 04:55 pm (Link)
right... and that certainly seems better than the alternative, right? Hiding everything just seems like it would be so much effort!
[User Picture]From: mg4h Date: March 11th, 2006 - 03:16 pm (Link)
Before buying my house: "Don't ask, don't tell."

Now? I told mom that Marc didn't have a separate bedroom. I could hear the dead silence over the phone for a bit.

A week later, she called back and casually asked if Marc was chasing me all over the house, like my dad did to her when they were newlyweds.

[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: March 12th, 2006 - 04:55 pm (Link)
ummm... but you lived together before. Did she honestly think that you never shared a room?
From: mg4h Date: March 13th, 2006 - 03:41 pm (Link)

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