Mav (chrismaverick) wrote,

on labeling love lives...

by Tanya Chalkin
So the other day I was talking to the lovely and talented sexyhockihoochi and she told me that she had had 12 boyfriends. As she's only just 21, I thought that number seemed awfully high. But then she pointed out that she was counting back to her earliest boyfriends in like the 8th grade. I found this odd. It brings up a lot of questions that have been on my mind, so I figure I might as well put them out there.

I guess it just seems weird to me to count those early relationships as... well... relationships. Sure, it probably seemed terribly important at the time. But Nicki even acknowledged that she barely remembers those early guys 7 years later. So was that really a boyfriend? And if he really was a boyfriend then should I count Sabrina as my first girlfriend? Oh Sabrina, I remember our love so well. Ok, really I don't. I mean, I was only four years old at the time. But I know she told me she was my girlfriend. At least I think so. Ummm... and I think Sabrina was her name.

It seems to me that in romantic and sexual matters, we go through great lengths to apply labels. What's the difference between someone you're dating and someone you're in a relationship with? At what point does someone become a girlfriend or boyfriend. Does monogamy matter? What if you're polyamorous. Do you need to sleep with the person? Well what if you're waiting till marriage? I've had girls that I dated but never slept with, and fuck-buddies that I never actually "dated." Are either of those girlfriends? Both? Neither?

I'm on record as stating before that I think virginity is kind of stupid as a concept. Does oral sex count as a loss of virginity? What about anal? If those don't count, then is every gay and lesbian who's never had penis to vagina penetration still a virgin? I'm thinking no. But if a lesbian looses her virginity by going down on another chick (or having one go down on her), then hasn't the straight girl done the same if she does that with her boyfriend. Does the absence of penis then imply the penis of absence? I've heard some people claim that a girl who was raped hasn't really given up her virginity. In fact, I dated a girl who was raped as a child, but considered herself to still be a virgin years later. That simply makes no sense to me.

On the other hand, what constitutes cheating? If you're married and you go out and have oral sex with someone else, is that cheating? If you're raped is that cheating? If the answer to either of those questions is yes, then doesn't the answer to the same questions regarding virginity need to be yes as well? But like I said, I think arguing over whether or not you are a virgin is stupid and pointless. Virginity is an outdated concept. Unless you need to catch a unicorn or we need to feed you to a dragon or a volcano, then who the fuck cares?

And then there's orientation. Does anyone really identify as strictly gay, straight or bi anymore? If you're a guy do you become gay when you kiss one guy? What if you fuck a guy? That's gay, right? But if you're a gay guy and you fuck one girl do you become straight? Or are you still gay because you fucked a guy? Is gay just stronger than straight? And is it the same for women? I so often hear from chicks who say that they aren't lesbian or even bisexual, but that they will make out with other girls. Or maybe even fuck one if it was with another guy. How is that different (you know, other than the fact that unlike with the guys IT'S CRAZY FUCKING HOT!!!)

Even marriage. Exactly what is anyone looking for in a civil union that is different than a marriage. I have lots of feelings there, that are detailed elsewhere, but I'd love to hear from a gay person that can tell me specifically what it is they are looking for in either instance and what they think the difference is. And for that matter, I'd love to hear from straight people (both for and against the concepts) what they think the differences are and what they mean to them.

And back to the cheating thing. What denotes cheating? How far does one have to go? Is it sex (if so what kind, and back to the whole virginity and what is sex question of earlier). Is kissing cheating? What about just hanging out with someone? What about thinking/fantasizing? They posed an interesting question on the Howard Stern show this morning. If a married man goes to a massage parlor and gets a happy ending, is that cheating? Most thought yes. But what if that same man goes to a strip club, gets a lap dance and happens to cum in his pants. Is that cheating? Does it matter if the "other person" is of the same gender? I know people who think its inappropriate for me to have dinner with another woman when Steph isn't around. But wouldn't have a problem with me having dinner with another guy. But then there's the rub. Would the same person think it was OK for me to fuck a guy but not to fuck another girl? I know a whole lot of guys have this thing where they'd be pissed if their girl was with another guy, but they think its totally OK for their girl to go and do another chick (and it is totally OK, especially if you're hot, and if you do, please feel free to email me pictures). And again, what if you're poly? Where do those rules lie? So much inconsistency.

So that's a lot to ask out there this time. But I really am interested (like always). So let me know, what you think. What is sex? What is virginity? What is homosexuality? What is marriage? What is cheating? What is a relationship, a boyfriend, a girlfriend? And while you're at it... what is that thing over there?

PS:Don't forget the pictures...

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