April 27th, 2006

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02:13 am - 1KWFFH: on hometown hotties on the cyberbathroom wall...

Scarlett Johansson1
#1 on FHM (US) hottest 100 women
in the world 2006
It's been several months since the last time I sat down to write 1000 words of free flowing hostility. I had actually been thinking about it a lot lately. But I didn't want to do it gratuitously. I wanted to make sure I had a good topic before I broke out the format. But today a [well for the sake of argument, lets call it a story] broke today and it put a bug up my ass far enough that I knew I'd be inspired to write one. So without further ado, I give you, 1000 words of Free Flowing Hositility on Hometown Hotties on the Cyberbathroom Wall:

So a "huge" controversy broke today in our little Podunk section of the globe. I am speaking of the Mt. Lebanon Top 25 List scandal. Apparently an anonymous group of students took it upon themselves to hold an election, tabulate the results and then write and distribute a list of the hottest girls in the school. Parents found out about the list. And then the smackdown ensued.

Now try as I might, I seem to be unable to find an actual transcript of the list. But several newspaper articles describe what was on it. There are pictures of each of the 25 girls, their names and grades (sophomore, junior or senior. No freshmen made the list). Along with the photos, each girl was graded on their looks in three categories: Face, Butt and Breasts. And a brief bio was given for each girl that apparently was somewhat "crude and vulgar" at least according to the papers.

Somehow, parents found the list and were outraged. They gave the list to the school, which investigated and decided it wasn't really their problem because it didn't actually have anything to do with the school (as there was no proof that it was distributed or created on school grounds). The list was turned over to the police who also investigated and decided to ignore it, as it wasn't really evident that any crime had been committed.

The parents bitched louder.

Now the school board is revisiting the matter and they have essentially promised that once the responsible parties are discovered they will receive strict disciplinary action.

Oh for fuck's sake.

In the interest of saving taxpayer dollars, let me help the investigation along by just revealing the guilty parties right here. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say, "It was the boys." Shocking, isn't it? But wait, I can do even better. I can even tell you the motive. You see, I have it on good authority, that these juvenile delinquents HAVE TESTICLES.

For the benefit those of you who don't have testicles, or as we sometimes call them in the common vernacular, balls, let me explain their power. Testicles are a pair of glands located in the nether regions of the male anatomy just between the legs that emit a powerful hormone throughout the body of the human male that causes us to behave in an otherwise abnormal manner when confronted with the female glands known as mammaries, or as referred to in the common vernacular, breasteses. In short, when boys see titties, we go bat-shit insane. It's totally genetic. Really. Look it up.

There are several acceptable and unacceptable ways of dealing with this insanity. But make no mistake; it must be dealt with. To hold it end can lead to devastating consequences. As we mature, we find more constructive ways of dealing with the testosterone overload. Generally, it involves a box of tissues, a bottle of lube and a Jenna Jameson video. But at the younger ages, we're not quite as intellectually enlightened. But that sexual frustration has to go somewhere. Certainly it would be inappropriate to go out and take the breasteses by force. That's frowned upon to say the least. In all likelihood, a great many people would probably also take offense if the lads encountered a perky and nubile set of breasts walking toward them in the hallway after 5th period and immediately whipped out their penises and started to vigorously jack off (admit it fellas, every single one of you has had a moment where you've thought about it). That'd be kind of weird. So instead, the boys have taken to the tried and true method adopted by their forefathers. Talking shit.

When archaeologists find the cradle of civilization you know what they're going to find carved into the wall of the very first cave by ancient Neanderthal man? They're going to find a crudely drawn stick figure drawing with long hair and two large circles between the arms in the chest area, and under it will be inscribed the words "Oooga ooga grunt oogah gah garrr ook ook garrrr!" They will spend years translating it, and eventually will find the key to this Rosetta stone. It will read, "For a good time, call Eve, (412) 867-5309."

Look, I'm not trying to trivialize what these girls are going through here. I acknowledge that kids can be cruel. I can see how the girls might feel harassed by this. But at some point you just have to learn to take these things with a grain of salt. You're hot a teenaged girl. You know what that means. It means that teenaged boys want to fuck you. If you want to be honest about it, the grown up boys want to fuck you too. Really we do. That's just how we are. We work around it.

But then we have people like the anonymous father in this article that claims this is the written equivalent of raping his daughter. With all due respect, sir, FUCK YOU! I've been lucky enough to have not been raped in my life. But I know several people who have been, and I'm willing to put money on the fact that every single one of them would prefer to have "Cindy has great tits" written about them in a book than to be raped again.

I'm not even saying that what the boys did wasn't harmful. Just that it wasn't illegal. At some point you just have to allow criticism. Despite what I've said here, this isn't even "boys being boys." Its people writing an opinion. Would I feel the same way if it were a list of the top 25 niggers in school? Actually, yes I would. And I'd defend their right to write it. Just because the kids are being asinine, doesn't mean they're wrong. This is America, HOVAdammit. You have a Jay-Z-given right to be an asshole. And thank, Jigga. Because I use it. A lot.

And of course I want to know what you think. Am I wrong, should some free speech not be protected or are these people overreacting to standard highschool behavior. Did you have this sort of thing happen in your school. Anyone ever make a list like this? Anyone ever been on it?

1 From the latin, scarlittojohanssonum, for Daaayummm, I'd tap that ass like Sandman Simms.

(71 comments | Leave a comment)

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From: (Anonymous) Date: April 27th, 2006 - 07:11 am (Link)
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 02:42 pm (Link)
Yeah, the written rape comment was by far the most offensive thing in the entire story to me. I mean, I feel for the guy. I get that he might not like that boys are calling his daughter a slut, but come on, don't trivialize something like that.

As I said to people elsewhere I think this is pretty much just more evidence of the impending pussification of America. It really bugs me for the same reason that the other local story I bitched about a while back about the no-cut policy in Woodland Hills high school sports. Part of high school is about preparing you for life. I hate when people go out of their way to protect students from life.
From: wooble Date: April 27th, 2006 - 06:09 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 06:33 pm (Link)
From: wooble Date: April 27th, 2006 - 06:38 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 06:56 pm (Link)
[User Picture]From: sexcow Date: April 27th, 2006 - 07:15 am (Link)
5 stars my man!!!!
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 02:42 pm (Link)
[User Picture]From: thwomp Date: April 27th, 2006 - 01:00 pm (Link)
Hey, wasn't this an episode of "My So Called Life"?
[User Picture]From: nowishere Date: April 27th, 2006 - 02:11 pm (Link)
yeah it was! MSCL ftw!
From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 02:46 pm (Link)
From: qiika Date: April 27th, 2006 - 02:49 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 02:59 pm (Link)
From: nowishere Date: April 27th, 2006 - 03:18 pm (Link)
From: nowishere Date: April 27th, 2006 - 03:14 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 02:45 pm (Link)
[User Picture]From: bryguypgh Date: April 27th, 2006 - 01:22 pm (Link)
It bothers me that the first instinct of the parents (at least as portrayed in the news) is to punish rather than to educate; they'd prefer vengeance to a solution. The free speech rights of high school students are rarely defended with much vigor, and in this case I guess no one dares mention that it's just speech, albeit offensive.

Now if there's a slander lawsuit in there somewhere, that's something I could get behind, but the school district cracking down seems like the wrong tool for the job.
[User Picture]From: suicideking Date: April 27th, 2006 - 01:48 pm (Link)

As a mater of clarification...

It would be a libel lawsuit, being that the list was in writing.
From: bryguypgh Date: April 27th, 2006 - 01:56 pm (Link)

Re: As a mater of clarification...

From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 02:52 pm (Link)

Re: As a mater of clarification...

From: mokatz Date: April 27th, 2006 - 05:49 pm (Link)

Re: As a mater of clarification...

From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 05:58 pm (Link)

Re: As a mater of clarification...

From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 02:50 pm (Link)
From: wooble Date: April 27th, 2006 - 04:48 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 06:01 pm (Link)
[User Picture]From: denovich Date: April 27th, 2006 - 01:29 pm (Link)
Yet another thing I did that would get me kicked out of school these days.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 02:56 pm (Link)
like you've stopped now... :-)

yeah, see, I think to some level or another every kid did this. This isn't the same as having a "hit list" of people you want to kill in the school (though, I'm not sure I don't think people are overreacting about this sort of thing going on) this is girls we think are hot and rumors about them. It's no different than the "Burn Book" in the movie Mean Girls.
[User Picture]From: qiika Date: April 27th, 2006 - 01:29 pm (Link)
Free speech, yes. The list producing enough trouble to be its own punishment, likely. Punishment for the creator(s) and distributor(s) of the list? I'm sure there will be social repurcussions. On one hand, that may be enough. On the other, they should probably get a talking to in order to understand the impacts that the list might have.

There were lists like that from my school years, maybe not including sexual escapades of those on it (as this one had, from what I heard on the news during my drive to work this morning). If I was on any of them, I didn't know about it. I just heard that they existed. I ignored it. And as far as making a list like that? Only in my head.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 03:06 pm (Link)
Well, in a lot of respects, I am all for just letting the kids work this shit out themselves. Will there be repercussions? Maybe, maybe not. I could see none of the guys involved ever getting a date with any of the girls on the list, and I could also see the girls being flattered and wanting to hook up with them. A talking to, I'm not terribly adverse to. I can probably even respect a policy of "you can't do this in school." But what the kids do on their own time, so long as it doesn't specifically directly harm others, I can't get behind. If a school wants to say "no racial slurs at school." Fine, but you can't punish the kid for writing a racial supremacy website at home.
[User Picture]From: sui66iy Date: April 27th, 2006 - 02:54 pm (Link)
I was curious about what the students' legal rights really are. I found this:


Looks like the "vulgar, lewd, obscene, or plainly offensive" clause would be in play on this one.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 03:27 pm (Link)
well obscenity laws are always controversial. The legal definition of obscenity is much less obvious than most people who complain about things being obcene realize. Objectionable is not obscene. That said, the law you cited also plainly says:

A student's right to free speech includes the right to communicate his or her views by means of written materials, such as newspapers or pamphlets. The distribution of written materials may be prohibited only if it materially and substantially interferes with school activities.

Since no one noticed for like a month until the parents made a big stink of it (and in fact, for the years before that the list had been in affect according to the article), I don't think you can claim that it materially and substantially intereferes with school activities.

On the other hand, I can see where you're coming from. And I can see how one might use the law to say that these kids did something wrong. But even if the law says that, I still disagree.
From: sui66iy Date: April 27th, 2006 - 03:57 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 06:02 pm (Link)
[User Picture]From: jeremiahblatz Date: April 27th, 2006 - 03:06 pm (Link)
Dear school board: Please GTFO.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 03:41 pm (Link)
heh... well, if you want to be succinct, yeah, that works too.

Though really, I'm also pretty offended by the one guy calling for the the dismissal of the principal and the entire school board. I mean seriously, just grow the fuck up.
[User Picture]From: sexyhockihoochi Date: April 27th, 2006 - 03:21 pm (Link)

Speaking as a girl...

Who gives a flying fuck?

Back in 6th grade, my class made up an I Hate Tara club because the girl was a complete bitch. She reported us to the teacher, but the list of members was destroyed.

Also in 6th grade, a group of people in my class jokingly passed around a paper that said something to the effect of "I hate homework. No more homework" (which I would guess is something most middleschool/highschool kids agree with). They got detention for it!

Just because these people are children doesn't mean they should have less rights than adults. If this would have occurred at a bar or on a college campus, punishment would not even be an issue (although I'm sure a few guys would get their nuts kicked in). I'm sure people would still have been outraged, but this is not a criminal offense. Could you make it into a civil offense? Yeah, sure, sue the perpetrators for libel. But somehow, I don't think suing kids is an answer to this problem.

Ugh, this kind of stuff makes me want to punch the parents.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 03:47 pm (Link)

Re: Speaking as a girl...

I think the issue is that if it had occured at a job, it would be called sexual harrassment. I'm torn on that. I get that its inappropriate to put such a list up in the lunch room, but am I really expected to not notice if one of my coworkers is hot? Am I expected to not be able to mention it out of the context of work. I certainly hope not, because that's just a world I can't live in.
From: sexyhockihoochi Date: April 27th, 2006 - 03:53 pm (Link)

Re: Speaking as a girl...

From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 06:05 pm (Link)

Re: Speaking as a girl...

From: sexyhockihoochi Date: April 27th, 2006 - 08:25 pm (Link)

Re: Speaking as a girl...

From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 08:29 pm (Link)

Re: Speaking as a girl...

From: duckmonster Date: April 27th, 2006 - 03:58 pm (Link)

Re: Speaking as a girl...

From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 06:18 pm (Link)

Re: Speaking as a girl...

[User Picture]From: kdavoli Date: April 27th, 2006 - 03:22 pm (Link)
You are completely right. The parents' response is totally inappropriate. Crafting a "hot list" is not illegal, and not a crime. Filing suit and bitching loudly won't solve anything.

The appropriate response is for these 25 young women to band together, form an elite ninja strike force, and pants the motherfuckers.

I am quite serious.
Find out who they are, piss in their sports drinks, pour beta mercapto ethanol in their lockers, and staple pages from obscene magazines to the back of their term papers
... or just plain beat the shit out of them. That works too.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 03:50 pm (Link)
well, see, as the school I really couldn't condone that. That would be battery. I can't just say that's ok. Speech is different than physical attack. That said ninjas are wicked cool!

and I might be inspired to look the other way, I love frontier justice</i>
From: dgr Date: May 3rd, 2006 - 02:07 am (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: May 3rd, 2006 - 03:12 pm (Link)
[User Picture]From: viscous Date: April 27th, 2006 - 04:09 pm (Link)
Damn. This is just a crime.

How can you have a "hottest list" with no "legs" category?
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 06:32 pm (Link)
yep... or stomachs... damn kids today... no appreciation for beauty
[User Picture]From: marmal8 Date: April 27th, 2006 - 11:02 pm (Link)
OMG!!! This is totally new! Teenage boys have never ever before looked at girls as sex objects, admired their feminine assests, or fantasized about participating in sexual acts with said girls! And they've certainly never agreed upon these things amongst themselves! Why, next they will be thinking of the girls as they stroke their genitals in the privacy of their home or the school restroom! What is our society coming to?
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 11:15 pm (Link)
yep... and then what will we have? A whole generation of blind men with hairy palms.
From: marmal8 Date: April 27th, 2006 - 11:26 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 11:38 pm (Link)
From: marmal8 Date: April 27th, 2006 - 11:44 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: April 28th, 2006 - 12:30 am (Link)
From: marmal8 Date: April 28th, 2006 - 12:53 am (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: April 28th, 2006 - 01:28 am (Link)
From: marmal8 Date: April 28th, 2006 - 01:52 am (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: April 28th, 2006 - 02:13 am (Link)
From: marmal8 Date: April 28th, 2006 - 07:53 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: April 28th, 2006 - 08:10 pm (Link)
From: marmal8 Date: April 28th, 2006 - 08:42 pm (Link)
From: chrismaverick Date: April 28th, 2006 - 09:44 pm (Link)
[User Picture]From: sabranee Date: April 27th, 2006 - 11:09 pm (Link)
My main problem with this is that the girls are being treated like property. Seriously, I understand the constraints of not being able to talk to the victims here (and yeah, they are victims of harassment, but not of rape), but there must have been one girl from the school - on the list or not - and over the age of 18 who could have made a statement.
Does a list like this create a hostile learning environment? Eh. Probably. But since the gov't compells students to school, I'd say that the sexual harassment issue is a poor case to make.
If it's done off school property, without school resources, and no gov't money is involved, there's precious little the gov't can do.
And the girls shouldn't be sheltered by their parents. If anything's going to empower them, it's the ability to speak out against their harassers. Surely the high school has some quasi-feminist club or even a female Student Board member willing to denounce this. Someone should speak on behalf of the girls who's not claiming ownership of their bodies as their parents/school officials seem to.
Also, the school should respond by getting sexual assault peer educators to come in to talk to the kids. I did this when I was in DC and it was always a good way to foster discussion about gender roles, harassment, assault and rape - real, productive debate and discussion that'd have the kids yelling and giggling and crying all at once. Opening a dialogue, rather than cutting all forms of speech off, is the way to do this.
There's also the small matter of being told that kicking an assailant in the nuts is a bad idea. A pen in the ear canal, however, can work wonders. Arm people with that knowledge and see how respectful those boys start being.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: April 27th, 2006 - 11:31 pm (Link)
Well said. Well you know, if you want to be all serious about everything. :-)

Actually, I quite agree with much of this, and that's what I was getting at. I have no problem with the school frowning upon this. I'm ok with a mandatory assembly denouncing sexual harrassment. If it can indeed be proven that the ballots or list were produced or distributed on school property, I could even see detention or similar disciplinary action. But even as far as sexual harassment goes, this is just extremely tame. So I can't see taking actual legal action. I understand that some people are more sensitive to sexual harassment than others. I understand that there are different views of appropriateness. That said, I think its wrong to infringe upon one student's constitutional rights to make another student feel better. In the end, no damage was done to these girls. None at all. Maybe they feel bad, and that's a shame. But they weren't actually injured. They weren't actually even permanently emotionally harmed. There was no malice behind it. Its a tough world, out there. High school is supposed to prepare you for that. I'm of the belief that overly punishing these boys won't at all teach them a lesson other than perhaps a mistrust of the system and in reality will have the ultimate effect of giving the girls who were "victems" unrealistic views of society and the world, thus making them more fragile and susceptible to harassment in the future. In any case, I'm quite certain that if this goes much further, the ACLU will be all over it.
[User Picture]From: vixendarkfairy Date: April 28th, 2006 - 03:32 am (Link)


I think the parents involved need to open their eyes. How many high schools DON'T have a list like this in circulation? My high school sure did. The worst ones are the ones that rate the girl on how she was in bed -- AND list the number of guys polled for that figure. Parents NEVER want to find a daughter's name on that kind of list...

I feel the second type of list does far more injury. So does the law. In fact, this second type of list can even be illegal, because it may break laws of libel -- IF someone brags dishonestly. To be "libel," a statement must be written in a public forum, bear the potential for harm (even if just to reputation), and be untrue.

In the list this article is about, it would seem little else was harmed but a few girls' pride, because they scored lower than they'd hoped, or didn't make the list at all. Not a crime, because there is no proving Amy doesn't have a nice ass... And it's a far cry from rape. "Rape" is a seriously harmful crime, and we should not cheapen the power of that word by levelling it with simple name-calling.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: April 28th, 2006 - 02:17 pm (Link)

Re: Overreaction

yeah, as I've said elsewhere, the cheapening of the word rape is the thing that gets to me more than anything else. It really really really bothers me in fact.

As for the damages, I was talking with beststephi about this as well. All that was hurt was some girls' pride. As far as I can tell, none of the girls on the list have actually complained about anything, and even if they did, you have to give them some leeway. You do have the right to learn in a safe environment, you don't have the right to have a life free of insult and assholes. At the end of the day, all the boys did was write some childish drivel. At some point you just need to lear to deal with such things because they're gonna happen. But at another point, even if you don't like it, that doesn't mean you have the right to stop it.

I know it sounds cold of me. I understand. I understand that in particular women are going to be more sensitive to this type of thing than men. And I feel bad about it, but I really believe that free speech is the foundation of a civilized democracy. Without the ability to speak freely in ways that might be offensive to others, there can be no abolishment of slavery, no women's right to vote, no legalized abortion. Without Playboy Magazine, Howard Stern and Debbie Does Dallas, there can be no Utne Reader, Oprah or Schindlers List. Is anything positive likely to come from a bunch of kids publishing a newsletter of girls they think are hot? Well, probably not, but unless you let them try, then we'll never have stuff like "Natural Cures They Don't Want You to Know About?" Negative art and social commentarty, is just as important as positive. Possibly even more so.
From: vixendarkfairy Date: April 29th, 2006 - 03:40 am (Link)

Re: Overreaction

[User Picture]From: muh0m0r Date: May 6th, 2006 - 02:00 pm (Link)
Hi. You don't know me, but I know </a></b></a>marmal8. Yesterday, we went to the Museum of Modern Art to see Munch, and two out of these three were hanging there on the wall
Now to say something on the subject of your post (since this is a reply to it): sexual harassment or not, the boys were definitely misbehaving. And, therefore, they need to be disciplined. However, and this is what I had said to Katherine, the most pressure and punishment can come from their parents, and not from the school or the parents of the girls. And the boys' parents won't do a thing. What's the school going to do, suspend them? Sheesh.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: May 7th, 2006 - 01:47 pm (Link)

Well, my issue is with the concept of "wrong" they were kinda assholes, maybe. But was it really wrong? Social behavior like that is a matter for the parents, as you said. So its up to the individual parent to decide what is and isn't acceptable behavior for their children. I'm of the opinion that this is actually quite natural behavior, and other than saying "look just don't be disruptive in school, because in society you have to exercise some restraint" there's not really much you can or should do about it. Boy are going to talk about hot girls. Especially at 16, but I do it today. That's just what we do. Its the equivalent of banning lockerroom talk. And if you do that, we really don't have anything left.
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