August 16th, 2006

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01:06 am - on being too old to be a dirty old man...
Miss Teen USA 2006 Pageant

Miss Teen USA 2006 Pageant
watch the young girls shake and wiggle...
Ever since I was but a whee lad, knee high to a grasshoper, but even at that early age, still clockin' da hos, I had but one dream for my old age. One thing I was sure of. As sure as I am that our lord Jay-Z will one day walk among us once again, I was sure that some day I would grow to be a dirty old man. Why I remember when I was but a young lad, I'd watch my grandfather clock hos, like his grandfather before him. It is what every little boy dreams of.

you'll recall that but a scant few weeks ago, I was rejoicing at soon passing that great birthday milestone of being legally able to deflower girls half my age. Then I had my birthday two weeks ago.

What the fuck happened?

I've just spent the last couple hours watching the Miss Teen USA pageant with beststephi. I can not think of a single less sexy way to spend an evening. Now usually I'm the guy defending the dregs of pop culture. I'm the guy who's always talking about clockin' da hos and such. I'm all about lowering the national age of consent to around 15 or 16 or so but requiring a slightly modified catholic school girl outfit for all women between the ages of about 15 and lets say, 40.

And I actually like beauty pageants.

I do. Let's think about the basis of a beatuy pageant. Gather up 50 some odd girls and make them parade around half naked two hours while the judges and the home viewer rank how bonable they are. And then at the end, we'll ask the last 5 a formulaic question of moral fiber with an easy to memorize answer so that we can pretend that there is something more substanative going on other than everyone wanting to fuck 50 nubile peroxide blondes. It's a problem with judeo-christian americans, really. For reasons beyond my understand most of us are dumbasses who think there's something wrong with the ultimate goal in life to be sandwiched between 4 or 5 dozen mindless sex slaves. In other cultures that's God's reward for the ultimate sacrifce. That's what beauty pageants are. That's what they always were. Deal with it.

Or at least that's what I thought.

This was just lame. How is it possibele for 51 girls to parade around for bikinis for two hours and me not even be a little turned on. It was like someone said "oh my god, these girls are underage" and went out of their way to desexualize them. For the record, I think one girl was 15. I heard a couple say they were 16. Most of them were 17/18. Which actually made me wonder, if they're 18, shouldn't they just be in the Miss USA pageant and not the teen version?

Anyway, the girls just weren't really all that hot. I began to actually worry. Is it me? Do I just not want to screw young girls anymore? Am I broken? Has the word TMA lost all meaning? But no, I see hotter teenaged girls at the mall all the time. And a quick look around the internet confirms that there are still attractive 16 year old singers and actresses out on the market. So it must just be the girls in the pageant. Or the pageant itself. They were absolutely awful at posing. Several of them tripped while trying to walk in their heels, and even when they weren't tripping they weren't doing a sexy model sway, or even the confident Miss USA powerwalk. It was more of an awkward cutesy little girl Shirely Temple twirl that they were all too old for 6 -10 years ago. And the swimsuits they chose (identical for all the girls) seemed specifically designed to push their chest down as flat as possible. I actually thought it was kind of funny because the evening gowns didn't have that limiation, so the girls tried very hard to lift and create extra clevage, but most of the gowns were more flowy and less figure enhancing, some downright unflattering, so that didn't really work out either.

Maybe the world has just gotten to the place where they're so afraid to sexualize young girls that they have driven all the sexuality out of the event. They've taken away the attractive outfits and tossed mediocre looking girls with poor modeling technique up on stage. Now I find this downright silly. Even if you won't admit to the base lecherousness that i am portraying here, if you believe that a 16 year old girl living in the US in 2006 isn't a sexual being (even if she's a virgin) well, then you're an idiot. But in all honesty beyond driving the sexuality out of the pageant, what's left? There's no talent competition (that was Miss America). The interview quesiton is not only stupid and vapid but so unimportant that I can't even remember a single one a couple hours later even with the total lack of actual content in the rest of the show. So essentially we're now giving away a scholarship not for being smart, not for being atheletic, not even for being pretty. For being completely and totally mediocre but having the money to put yourself into a beauty contest that is meaningless because they don't actually allow the actual hot girls to actually be in it anymore.

I'm the first person to point out that intelligence, talent and ability aren't really more important beauty. Beauty can take you a long way in this world. Those very few lucky amongst us have all four (damn I'm pretty). And while I don't think that not having any of the traits means you're not worthwhile. I don't think its really worth celebrating with an award. While it may be statistically interesting for someone to roll a 10 on every single 3d6 stat in life1, it DOESN'T DESERVE A FUCKING TV SHOW!

Now it's late. Someone pass me a Cheyenne, an Emma Watson and an Alexa Vega so I can go to sleep2,3

1: Yes, that is a geeky D&D shout out.
2: Dear authorities. much of the character I portray here is for humorous effect. I am not actually currently engaged in the sodomizing, statuatory rape, or otherwise corrupting of minors, famous or otherwise.
3: Dear Chey, Em and Alex, CALL ME!

(13 comments | Leave a comment)

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[User Picture]From: sonbanon Date: August 16th, 2006 - 02:00 pm (Link)
I have a hard time looking at Hermione and the Spy Kids girl as sexual beings but they have really grown into attractive young ladies, wow.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: August 16th, 2006 - 05:16 pm (Link)
well, Emma Watson has always been a total tatyana, which is why, despite her being a very good actress in the role, I was always against her in it. Or really against the people in makeup and wardrobe who really should have worked to make her a little less "cute." Kids are supposed to tease her for being a geek basically, and I looked at her and I kinda thought "uh, why?"

As for Alexa Vega, Robert Rodriquez stopped making the Spy Kids movies because he felt that "the kids couldn't reliably play kids anymore" which basically is a more PC way of saying "Alexa grew boobies"
[User Picture]From: lonelocust Date: August 16th, 2006 - 04:49 pm (Link)
I've always thought of Miss America less of a parade of girls to bone and more of a parade of girls to make into trophy wives. It's not about their gyrating hips. It's about them being attractive, but in that socially acceptable way; talented, as one's trophy wife should be; articulate (as per the interviews), but not prone to saying anything controversial or uncouth; able to look fit without being sexual (who wants a skank for a trophy wife? The Nouveau Riche, that's who! That will never do.) and pick out a bland but expensive dress to wear to see one's rich coworkers.

The Miss USA pageants, I've never gotten. I've watched them a few times, and the women are almost universally unattractive, at least to my standards. They generally look fairly plastic, with fake orange-colored tans and utterly boring presentation. Rather like porn stars, whom I also find unattractive. I suppose perhaps they're supposed to look bonable by the average Joe Schmoe, who apparently find boring to be attractive. I haven't seen the Miss Teen USA pageant ever, but if it lives up to the boring that I remember seeing from Miss USAs, I would expect it to be rather as you said.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: August 16th, 2006 - 06:23 pm (Link)
that's an interesting set of points about the Miss America contest. I never really thought about it before, But you might have something there.

As for the Miss USA contest, I never really thought they looke pornish before at all. But maybe I have a more discerning eye than you do. I do see your point. Certainly there is a Barbie inspired aura about them.

And yes, you're right. You're not the audience the contest is trying to attract. I don't know that its fair to call them boring just for that reason though. I mean, by definition, aren't pretty much all people who you don't find attractive boring? isn't that the definition?

I'll grant, I was saying that they were boring too. But I wasn't so much talking about the way they looked (though, as I said, id didn't think they were all that attractive) I was more talking about how there just seemed to be no point to the entire show, even from a female objectification point of view.
[User Picture]From: lonelocust Date: August 16th, 2006 - 09:22 pm (Link)
I once said the Miss America = Trophy Wife thing in a conversation and realized it to be full of truth. Look it up in your gut!

I don't really think the Miss USA contestants look like porn stars so much as look... uhm, boring in the same way as porn stars? "Barbie" really is a better word than "porn star", I guess.

And no, there are lots of people that I think look interesting that I don't find attractive, though it is true that I don't find anyone attractive that I don't also find interesting. Perhaps you have less severe standards for attractiveness than I do (this would not be unheard of, I'm sure), but I speculate that perhaps from an attractiveness-objectification point of view, it did have a point for people that like a more... boring look. I can't think of a better word than boring. If you find the Miss USA contestants generally attractive, I shall probably conclude that this is not the case.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: August 17th, 2006 - 12:40 am (Link)
I haven't seen Miss America in years, I don't really remember much about it. I do usually find some of the Miss USA contestants attractive. Not all of them though.

As for the boring vs. attractive thing. I wasn't saying that looking interesting makes you look attractive. The elephant man looked interesting. I'm just saying that if you find someone attractive it would follow that you think they look interesting. Kind of a tautology in my mind. Don't you think?
[User Picture]From: lonelocust Date: August 17th, 2006 - 03:09 am (Link)
Oh definitely. The set of "attractive people" is fully a subset of "interesting-looking people". I assume this is the case for most people.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: August 17th, 2006 - 04:02 am (Link)
yep, that's all I'm sayin'
[User Picture]From: hardkoreferrari Date: August 16th, 2006 - 05:52 pm (Link)
I got bored watching Miss Teen USA. They all looked like clones.
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: August 16th, 2006 - 06:27 pm (Link)
and unattractive clones at that. I don't really see the point in dressing them all the same in the bathing suit competition, for instance. If they point of the show is for us to drool over them, then shouldn't they be allowed to pick whatever bikini made them look hottest? Since they were all wearing the same one, and it was seemed to be designed to almost desexualize them, why bother having the competition at all?
[User Picture]From: hardkoreferrari Date: August 16th, 2006 - 10:14 pm (Link)
That's another thing I was bitching about... I thought in pageants, everyone picked out things that flattered their bodies the best, that way they had a better chance of impressing the judges. Why put them all in the same thing?
[User Picture]From: chrismaverick Date: August 17th, 2006 - 12:50 am (Link)
yeah, that's one of the things I really hated about it. I haven't actually watched the Miss USA pageant in a couple years and I seem to have this vague memory that they had switched to more or less wearing the same suits but in different colors. I don't know if that's still the case or not. But I agree that it would be much better if they chose themselves. That said, at least the Miss USA outfits make the girls look like they have big boobs. Which, as I was saying, is pretty much the point, isn't it?
[User Picture]From: hardkoreferrari Date: August 17th, 2006 - 11:46 am (Link)
I totally agree.

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