I was going to make a joke about how the article reaffirmed my faith that I am simply better than some people, because rather than being a follower and having a bright red stapler, I have a very retro beige Swingline with faux wood panelling, sort of like a 1970s Station Wagon.
But then, I did a quick google search for swingline stapler, and found this. Photos of a stapler restored to original specs? Stapler detailing? A personal History of stapling? Stapling competitions?
Now I'm just sad.