1000 words of free flowing hostility
This has actually been weighing on my mind for a bit. Ever since I had a discussion with beststephi and mamarayne about Drew Cummings. Drew Cummings is some 50 year old guy who has decided to sue American Idol for age discrimination. Of all the stupid fucking things in the world. Sexually Transmitted diseases. Wars in the Middle East. People trampled to death at Great White Concerts. Mike Fucking Tyson. Really, the world just has to have bigger problems than the fact that some old guy can’t be on the cover of Tiger Beat.
Don’t get me wrong, the best thing about America is that you can get mad and bitch about pretty much anything. I mean, I bitch about everything. If anyone wants to support your god-given-constitutional right to verbally stick your foot up someone’s ass its me. And better, we live in a country where if you are pissed-off about something, and you can convince other people that you have a legitimate beef, no matter how stupid it is, then you get money. How cool is that? USA! USA! USA! But, is it news? Again, let’s boil this down to the crux of the problem. Some old dude can’t be on the fucking cover of Tiger Beat.
Let’s not beat around the bush here. He’s 50 years old. He’s an old dude. Sorry, them’s the breaks. I’m 28 and I’m no spring chicken, myself.
The simple truth is that discrimination exists. Sometimes, discrimination is a bad thing, but sometimes it’s a good thing, too. We discriminate whenever we pick anyone to do anything. When we pick dodgeball teams we pick the kids who are somewhat athletic. When we pick study partners we pick the kids who are actually somewhat smart. If I’m hiring a surgeon, and I only have two guys to choose from, one who went to med school at the San Guillermo “Shecky” Juan Pablo School of Medicine in Costa Rica and the other went to Harvard and studied law, guess which guy I’m going to pick. That’s discrimination.
In a similar story, a woman named Jennifer Portnick sued Jazercise, Inc. last year for not hiring her to become an instructor, with the justification that at 240 lbs, she was too obese to inspire their clientele to become thin.
What the hell? I’ve decided I’m going to sue the NBA for not signing me to the Dallas Mavericks, just because I’m “not a very good basketball player.” Well, that seems pretty unfair. I mean, that’s only one way I don’t fit in with the average NBA all star. I mean, I’m black just like most of them. I’m in the right age range. I’m male. I like Nike athletic wear. Hell, I even have the same name as the team. I’ve got basketball superstar written all over me. You know, except for being short and not very good bits.
Ok, so the obvious counter argument is that being young or thin, much like being white is not a fair thing to discriminate based on, but intelligence and actual playing skill are. Well who the hell gets to decide that? Besides, I think I have a better free throw than Shaq (actually, he’s better now, but he really sucked in his younger days). But, they’re looking for a total package, not just one single skill. Remember I said that. I’m going to get back to it.
Furthermore, I have also decided to sue the Ku Klux Klan. Not for racism. No No No. I very much support their constitutional right to free speech and freedom of assembly. I’m like so Voltaire that way. I’m going to sue them for discrimination. You know why? Because I want to be Grand Wizard. And why can’t I be? Because I’m a black man, that’s why. That’s pretty fucked up right there. I mean, I totally have all the other grand wizard qualifications. I know how to build and burn crosses. I know how to tie a noose. I look positively stunning in a sheet. And I hate the niggas too. It’s totally wrong for them to turn me down just because of the color of my skin. And they just flat out rejected me. I mean, I get that there might have been some other guy who might have hated niggas a little more than me, or been better at burning crosses. And hey, there can only be one Grand Wizard. But you can’t tell me that they didn’t have a single opening at Lord High Cyclops or Great Exulted Dragon that I could fill.
Most professions take multiple skills or aspects. Being a good surgeon requires not only a good working knowledge of physiology, but also a very steady hand. Being a good secretary involves having excellent communicative and organization skills as well as fast and accurate typing. Being Grand Wizard means that you have to hate black people, but you also have to be white. It’s part of the job. If you’re black, then no matter how good you look in the sheet, they just aren’t going to give you the job. And no matter how good an actor Haley Joel Osmont is, they just aren’t going to cast him to play Denzell Washington’s kid.
The show isn’t called American Singer. It’s called American Idol. The term is meaningless, but the basic point of the show is that they are looking for a teen pop star. There is a lot more to being a teen pop star than just being able to sing. Its about a look, and that look involves being young.
Jazzersize isn’t just selling an exercise program, they are selling an image. And the image is thin. By being an instructor, you are in effect becoming part of that advertising campaign. Fat people don’t fit in for the same reason Patrick Stewart isn’t a good spokesmen for the hair club for men.
But dammit…. I’m telling you… I’d make a fucking awesome Lord High Cyclops.