Backing up. About a month ago (May 6) I ordered a camera battery for my new camera from Amazon (actually from J&R Music and Computer World through Amazon, but whatever). I never received said battery and eventually began to worry. Checking the tracking number, it claimed that the package was delivered and left at my Front Door on May 9th. I get worried and say, "ah but that was over a week ago, and I do not have it" so I call J&R and they tell me "oh, don't worry, that happens all the time, they lose stuff or say they delivered it, or it gets stolen and they just refund us... just call UPS and tell them you never got it, and as soon as they refund us we'll ship you a new one." So I do and UPS says "oh, we must investigate!"
Now I don't even want to think about the ridiculousness of "investigating" here. Its a battery. Its a camera battery mind you, so it does cost $50. But its a fucking battery! sui66iy suggested to me that perhaps investigating involves someone checking the "investigated" checkbox on a form and then issuing a refund. No no no... not the case. So a week goes by, and I get a phone call from someone who has been "investigating" the claim and she leaves me the number of a different person that I now have to talk to. So I call this different person and she asks me to verify that I did not receive the package. And I say "I did not receive the package." She says, ok, that should do it, you'll probably here from J&R about making arrangements to either get a replacement item or get a refund soon. So fine, I think... we're done with that. Oh no, that does not happen. Last week a UPS guy drives up and says "are you Chris Holly" and I say yeah, and he says "and you were to receive this item from J&R Music and Computer" and I say yeah. He says, "oh, Well, it says here that I delivered it myself and I would have left it right here on your porch so you must have gotten it." and I tell him I didn't. And that I never saw it and that I have been waiting close to a month. And he says that's impossible and I assure him that its not. So he says "well, okay then" and then he pulls out a form for me to sign. The form has a checkbox that says I swear that I did not receive my package. So I check that and I sign it. And he says ok and he leaves. Now if there is a special form that he carries around at all times that says that I didn't receive an item, why is he so sure that it never happens. *sigh* So anyway, I again assume that I am done with this nonsense and will hopefully be getting my mother fucking battery soon! Oh how foolish am I?
So today I get a phone call again from UPS (a 5th UPS person) who says that as far as they can tell from their investigation they delivered my item and it was stolen off my porch, and that they cannot continue their investigation without a police report. I say fine, so get one. They say they can't cuz it was stolen from my possession not theirs so I have to report it and give them the report number. I argue this for a moment and then say whatever and agree that I will call the police.
So I decide that I don't want to bother the 911 Emergency people with something so stupid so I spend an hour trying to figure out what the phone number is for the local police station. After about 4 phone calls and some web searching, I discover the phone number. A desk sergeant answers and asks what I need. I tell him and he tells me to call 911. I tell him that I don't have an emergency and that I just need to report a possible theft that I am not even sure of that allegedly occurred a month ago and he assures me that's how it works. So I say fine, and I exasperatedly call 911. So the 911 person answers and says "Pittsburgh 911, what is your emergency." And I tell her I don't have one, but when I called the police station to make a theft report they said to call you. She says that's correct and asks me for my first name and telephone number and address and says she will immediately dispatch a car to come to my home and take my report.
WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!
Its a missing fucking battery!!! Are there not murderers and rapists running around that the police could be following. Are there not cold crimes to be solved or banks to be guarded. Isn't there a fireman who needs help getting a fucking kitten out of a fucking tree? Why can a person on a phone not help me replace my stupid fucking battery?
So at this point the recovery of my battery has involved 1 J&R customer service associate, 4 UPS phone people, 1 UPS driver, 1 desk sergeant, 1 911 emergency operator and at least one (and my money says there will be two) cops to drive to my house and take the report. Its a $50 battery for Christ's sake. And I still don’t actually have it yet. I’m sure that before I do, I will have to talk to the mayor and perhaps even President Dubya himself. Clearly our search for weapons of mass destruction in enemy lands can wait til I have my fucking camera battery.
It’s been 50 minutes and the cops aren’t here. Please remind me to never have an actual emergency that I might need help with. People fucking suck.
[EDIT: well, the police finally came after about an hour and a half and I gave them the report. They asked me point blank if I ever saw the item and I said no, so they noted that. So now UPS is going to see this report which says that I say I don't really know if it was stolen or not... *sigh* I just want my battery... is that so much to ask?]